The kindness of (not-so) strangers...

On Friday, I attended the staff Christmas party of the school I "work" at. Basically I come in one night every week or two and take care of some registrar related work....mostly I work from home, though. I saw a parent I haven't seen in a while, who works in radiology. I asked him if he worked with our Children's Hospital and we just started talking. He asked me for everything we knew about KayTar so far, which I explained in full, without crying. (Yay me!) To be totally honest, I did kind of start to tear up. When I verbally list it all like that, it feels so overwhelming, like me speaking it aloud makes it more real. He said since he "walks among the doctors" he can get a feel what the different doctors are like. He said he's going to read up on her conditions and talk to with different neurologists as he gets a chance too, and let me know what he finds out. He said he feels like KayTar is his own and he'll do everything he can to help us out. Then he said, "You know, we pray for her every day when we get in the car to come home from school." And THEN I cried.

People say "We're praying for you." all the time. Our pastor says it is the all-purpose Christian hello and goodbye. "Hey! We're praying for you!" or "Well, we'll see you next Sunday...we're praying for you." but rarely does it mean anything. Its just something people say. For that reason, I rarely say it. But when he said "We pray for her every day when we get in the car to come home from school." I knew he was telling the truth. It was so shocking that someone who I never even see anymore prays for my KayTar every day. Thankfully, it was the end of our conversation, so I was able to walk away, have a sip of water and choke down my tears before seeing anyone else. It was just so kind I almost couldn't bear it. Even now, writing about it, my eyes still fill with tears. I think praying for someone is the purest kind of love, and to think someone loves my KayTar in that way without even really knowing her is just amazingly overwhelming.

Hairism: The Unspoken Prejudice

My son is a hairist. Yesterday, at pick up time, as all the children we're waiting outside for their parents, my son jumped another child. Why? You ask. Because "He did not have spiky hair." That is a direct quote. We have somehow raised a hairist. When his teacher put him in the car she said, "We had a hard day today, Mom. He had some trouble at play time, and he just jumped a child out here at pick-up...we had to pull him off of the other boy. He said it was 'Because his hair was not spiky.'" And then she gave me a questioning look. Maybe she was thinking, "What in the world are you teaching your child? This is a Christian school, we do not judge each other based on hairstyle. I don't know what you teach him at home, but we do not allow hairism here!"

Sigh.

I spoke with him about it on the way home, at first he made it sound like the child was mean to him, so I said "Was he being mean to you?" BubTar said "No." and lowered his head in the back seat. So I asked "Why did you jump him, BubTar?" He answered, very passionately, "Because! His hair WAS. NOT. SPIKY. He said he was Sharkboy, but his hair was not spiky and there can only be TWO Sharkboys. And HIS!HAIR!WAS!NOT!SPIKY!" So it was largely about the hair. When the teacher told me that was the reason, I was a bit skeptical...but it turns out she was right. I think it had more to do with the fact that BubTar didn't feel like sharing his Superhero identity of the day with another boy, especially one who didn't even have the proper hair for such an identity. At least he pays attention to details.

Sigh. We are having such a time with BubTar in school. I feel like he is continually misbehaving. It is something on an almost daily basis. We follow through at home. If he is in trouble at school, we don't disregard it at home, there are always consequences. BubTar is just BubTar. He is a performer. He is passionate. He is emotional. He is silly. He is busy. He lacks self-control. But he is also very intelligent. Every time I talk to his teacher, his behavior is lacking in some way, but his academics are wonderful. I don't know if his behavior is normal for his age level, or if HE is the problem child in the classroom. I hope that is not the case, but I can't be sure. We discuss appropriate school behavior. We reinforce the rules. We carry out punishments based on his school behavior as well as his home behavior. I feel that we are doing all that we should be to teach him the proper way to behave, but it only goes so far. In the end it comes down to his choices, and he is a 4 year old boy, and he does make the wrong choice quite often. I don't want him to make classroom life difficult on his teacher, but at the same time, he is only 4 and is bound to get into trouble, even if we are teaching him properly. Even though I understand this, I still hate that he is in trouble so much at school. I worry he is the problem child and we are the problem parents. I worry we should be doing something more to correct things.

I don't want my child to be the one who beats children up for not wearing the appropriate hairstyle for their superhero of choice. "Superman? You think you're Superman?!? You have no curl on your forehead!! *jumps on child and starts swinging wildly*

Oh no, that just won't do.

Overheard in the Kitchen

As Josh and I hugged in the kitchen a few nights ago, this was the dialogue:
Josh: I need a vibrator.
Kyla: (insert shocked face) WHAT?!?
Josh: I said, I need a vibrator.
Kyla: (lets go of Josh) YOU need a VIBRATOR?
Josh: Yah, that's what I said. (looking confused)
Kyla: A VIBRATOR? WHAT? (looking VERY confused)
Josh: Oh, OH! No, not THAT kind of vibrator. I need something that vibrates to try and get something loose from the refrigerator coils.

The man has a way with words.

Later...long enough for us both to forget the conversation...

Josh: I used your toothbrush as a vibrator.
Kyla: What the he-
Josh: No! For the coils!

Sigh. And also *chuckle, chuckle*.

Accomplishments

KayTar is currently saying the following words:
Ma
Tree
Outside
Fish
Key (blankey)
Ish (fish)
Ple (apple)
Go
Yah
Shhh (shoe)
Dog
Ball
K (bike)
Coo (cookie)

KayTar is signing the following words:
Friend
Train
Doll
Bike
My turn
Socks
Yes
No
Dirty
Clean
Bath
Go
Wait
Thank You
Apple
Cookie
Banana
Cheese
Candy
Help
Full
Cold
Star
Sad
Cry
Boy
Girl
Mama
More
Eat/Food
Happy
Bike
Shoes
Banana

She graduated from the PediaSure club yesterday. She weighs 24 lbs 12 oz and is just perfect for both height and weight. If her weight dips, we have to restart it, but for now she is doing GREAT growth-wise.

She ate an ENTIRE stage 3 jar for dinner last night. It took FOREVER, and we had to add a little milk to thin it out, but she ate it. No gagging!!!!

And let us not forget that she is adorable, and that in itself is an accomplishment. :)

Our No-Snowman

My poor children and their snow deprivation. BubTar created his own kind of snowman yesterday, since we are not blessed with snow here.

Happiness is a cold front

It has been a WONDERFUL day! I'm all floaty and light.

Here is why:

1. KayTar had her first speech therapy session today. It was great! The therapist just kept saying how incredibly smart she is, and how she hasn't ever seen a kid pick up sign like KayTar has. It was so nice to have someone else (a stranger, no less) tell me what a smart little girlie I have. She said KayTar looks like a completely different child on paper and she was so impressed with meeting her in person! She said the way she has been picking up signs shows how much she is actually understanding. The theory is that the area of the brain that hears/understands language (temporal lobe) is not damaged (no lesions), but the area controlling spoken language does have damage (lesions), which might be why she has so much trouble with that. But my little girl is a smarty pants! :)

2. It is cold here! The temperature dropped from 80 degrees to 30 degrees. This pleases me to no end. Cold weather makes me feel alive! And it always brings the hope of snow, which is the most magical thing that can happen! Oh, how I love the snow!

3. BubTar has had green lights at school for two days in a row! Yay BubTar!!!

4. It is girl's night! So I get to go out with my best friends this evening!

5. Josh has a vacation day tomorrow, and I love it when he is home with us!

6. I spoke with the PT about KayTar's walker and she agrees with giving it a try. KayTar should be "walkering" soon!!

Random, I know. But all of it makes me so happy!

Clarification

I emailed my pediatrician yesterday because reults and questions and possiblilites were all getting so muddled in my mind. We were working at such a fervent pace for a while and I think I stop retaining information. The news is good. We have ruled out a malformation of the brain, metabolic disease, leukodystrophies, and vascular malformations. They know it is not cancer. She said that their theory is that the developmental delays stem from a previous injury, possibly in utero, that are not related to the BPTI. Unfortunately only time will tell for sure how delayed she will be and if she will be able to fully catch up. She said we don't know if the delays are going to be progressive, that we'll find that out on the follow up ultrasound if there are changes to the lesions. She told me that we are just going to have to wait and see if KayTar will ever catch up to her peers. But the hope that she might is wonderful. I thought we had lost that hope altogether. If she never catches up, we are okay with that, we've accepted that already. But if she does? And it can make her life easier for her? That will be wonderful.

So, we are now officially in a waiting game. Today I am taking her for what might be her last round of labs for a while, to rule out Rett Syndrome and lead poisoning. We are going to be getting her a walker, as well. So even though she is not walking, she will be "walkering" soon.

Please excuse Kyla from blogging...

I'm sick, sick, sick. It started Sunday night, I woke up with a fever and body aches...that continued through Monday. My fever broke on Monday night. Tuesday I woke up with compacted sinuses. Wednesday it traveled to my lungs and by the evening I had also lost my voice. That night, I couldn't sleep, because everytime I dozed off, my throat (or lungs?) would close and I would wake up wheezing and gasping. It felt like someone was smothering me. Thursday, I barely made it to my parent's house for lunch. I managed to down a few bites of potatoes once my Vicodin kicked in. We came home, and I finally fell asleep. My fever spiked and I couldn't get out of bed to go to the in-laws for dinner. I slept from 2-9, laid on the couch for a few hours and went back to bed. Today I feel a bit better...less coughing, no fever, and I can swallow a little, but now I'm having a bit of an intestinal issue. Yay.

As for what I'm thankful for? I am thankful that this won't last forever. ;)

See you guys as soon as I feel better. I hope everyone had a wonderful day yesterday.

Results

We received more test results yesterday. Sigh. Dr. OldNeuro called out of the blue to say that the erythrocyte protoporphyrin that he ran a month ago came back high. He said that the top of the normal range is 70 and her levels were at 107. This either means she has lead poisoning, or extremely low iron levels. He also said her lactate levels were slightly elevated. He wants us to go in Monday for more specific tests, and a test to rule out Rett Syndrome.

I called the pediatrician to ask her about these things. She said that they got these results a few weeks ago and she called to discuss it with him and he said "Oh, Dr. H, you worry too much." and blew her off. She didn't know why he had run the test in the first place, so she didn't know what the follow up needed to be. She called and discussed it with Dr. NewNeuro and he didn't know how to follow up either because he didn't know the reason for the test. So Dr. H is going to talk to Dr. NewNeuro over the weekend and determine the best course of action; and she's going to write Dr. OldNeuro a nice letter thanking him for his time and letting him know he's off the case. She said either way it won't hurt to have her lead/iron levels checked.

So we got more news that means nothing to us...everything is nonspecific.

We now have:
An abnormal EEG
An abnormal CT, that was later decided to be within normal range
An abnormal MRI
Abnormal erythrocyte protoporphyrin blood test
Slightly elevated blood lactate levels

Put it all together and what do you have? Nothing useful, evidently.

We seem to be stuck in an endless cycle of testing. I thought KayTar would have a break from the needle poking next week, but it doesn't seem to be the case. I wish we could get one clear cut result. Every time we get a piece of information, it just makes a more confusing mess. It adds a possibility, instead of narrowing things down. I hope we get somewhere with this next round of testing.

Holland

Josh and I married young. Very young. Its a story I'll tell you some time, I promise. Back in those days, I never pictured our life the way it is currently. I knew we'd have babies, but I never knew we'd have a KayTar. I didn't know that the birth of our second child would totally change every aspect of our lives. I wasn't naive, I just didn't know what the future held for us. It has all been very "Welcome To Holland". If you aren't familiar with that piece, here it is:

Welcome To Holland
Emily Perl Kingsley

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

********************************************************

We're making it, but at times I look around and wonder how we got here, so far away from where we thought we would be. It seems like everything is different here in Holland. But on nights like last night, when Josh reached for my hand in the dark and just held it until we fell asleep; I know some things will always be the same, even in Holland.

Spoiled? Nah...

Saturday morning.
Josh: You know we spoil her, right? She's spoiled.
Kyla: She's a baby! And its positive reinforcement, she asks for it, we give it to her. And its only cookies. Its not like she's signing "Pony" and we're running out to buy one for her.
Josh: What if she signed pony, what do you think we'd do?
Kyla: Well, hippotherapy is really good for these kids...so it would be justifiable...
Josh: Hippos? I thought we were talking about ponies.

Yesterday, at the pediatrician's appointment.
Dr. H: Dr. L called me right after you left on Wednesday, and I had JUST come into an exam room with angry parents who had been waiting because we were running behind. The nurse told me he was on the phone and I told the parents, "I have to take this." And then I talked to him for twenty minutes! But Katie's the priority right now, what could I do?"

This morning, upon fishing KayTar out of the bathroom for the 25th time.
Kyla: What do you want in here? That orange toothbrush? If we buy you your very own orange Aquafresh toothbrush, would that make you happy?
KayTar: *signs happy*

We're on our way to Target for a toothbrush, in case you were wondering.

Why I didn't blog yesterday...

Yesterday was Josh's birthday. Last night we recruited both sets of grandparents to babysit, and we drove out to visit our best friends. (My friend L married his best friend J last year.) They live about an hour away from us, but they come in to see us all the time...this is the first time I've been to their house and they've lived there a year. I am a bad friend. The evening was perfectly lovely! We went out to eat at the Cheesecake Factory; we had drinks, appetizers, dinner, and dessert. Usually we chose one of the three "extras", but last night we splurged. We were shocked when J and L picked up the tab, and they were shocked when they saw the tab. It was quite funny! We are going to send them a thank you card with a gift card to Home Depot in it, because they'd never take the money if we tried to give it to them. After dinner, we went back to their house and sat around and talked for a couple hours. It was glorious! Adult conversation! I had good news to share about KayTar, and she had plenty of interesting stories from teaching at her "inner-city" high school. I love listening to her stories about teaching. It is quite the experience! We talked about anything and everything and it was so nice to feel human again.

Once we arrived home, we heard KayTar still being noisy in her crib, so I went in to say goodnight. I can't resist cuddling a jammie-clad baby. Well, I was surprised to see she had thrown up in her crib! She sat right up and signed "BATH!" It was adorable. We, of course, jumped right back into our real life of sheet changing and baby bathing as soon as we got home. *lol* I went out a bit later to shop for Josh, because we didn't spend our dinner budget, so he wanted an extra gift. As I was returning home from Walmart at midnight, Josh calls my cell and says that BubTar was throwing up at his grandmother's and I need to pick him up. We arrived home to Josh rearranging the living room (at midnight?!? YES.) and KayTar still wide awake. It was 12:30 before everyone finally settled into bed.

All in all it was a long night, but we didn't mind. Being out with our friends was so refreshing, that we were all ready for cleaning up vomit and waking in the wee hours with our kiddos.

These are from last night, she is propped up by the couch, but still entirely adorable.





If you're wondering, the couch is no longer in that position do to the rearranging. *lol*

**************************************************************

PS: Is the Blogger Beta worth the switch?

Pride!

OMG! SHE! ATE! THREE! NUGGETS!

Yes, KayTar ATE three chicken nuggets! No gagging! No spitting! Just good ol' fashioned eating! Three of them!

Do I care that these were McDonald's nuggets, possibly the greasiest, most processed food on the planet? No, I do not.

MY BABY ATE!! REAL FOOD!!

*beaming with pride*

I almost danced right there in the restaurant!

I am shaking with excitement! Who knew watching someone else eat could be so exhilarating?

YAY KAYTAR!

Edited to add this video, in which she eats, AND says dog and bye. AMAZING! (In case you are wondering, I do know that I'm obsessive.)

Make an online slide show at onetruemedia.com

What a REBEL!

I wrote an entire post this morning, and then I deleted it in favor of this.

My KayTar has decidely become a toddler this week, except for, you know, the TODDLING. She is stubborn and opinionated, she only wants to eat yogurt and crackers/cookies/cheetos. She was defiant in therapy. Oh, and every time we turn our backs for a moment, she is suddenly missing.

What sort of rebellious, destructive things is she running away to do?

See for yourself.



Oh yes! She is sneaking, up the stairs, into the bathroom, onto her brother's step stool, to covertly BRUSH HER TEETH.



What a rogue dental hygenist we have on our hands.



Be afraid, plaque, be VERY afraid. The toddler years are here to stay.

Sigh

Yesterday after our appointment I had such a headache. I had been so stressed that when it finally dissipated, my head literally felt like it was going to explode from the change in pressure. *lol* Seems odd that such relief can bring such pain.

I can't explain how relieved I am. I know we have a long road ahead of us still, including six months of waiting to find out how much of a problem these lesions are, but my heart will no long stop beating when KayTar goes into one of her episodes. I can rest in knowing that it isn't doing any real damage (beside the pain and vomiting it causes sometimes) and that even if it lasts for days, I know she will come out of it. Those have been my two biggest fears in regards to these episodes. I worried that we were sitting passively by while her brain was being destroyed by these episodes; and when she dropped out of consciousness, I worried that she would never come back to us.

I know that she will most likely continue to have them, because there is no proven way to control paroxysmal torticollis, and that they will probably continue to hold to the two week pattern and continue to lengthen. But it can finally become something we just live with. We can deal with it and go on, without the huge fears that have been plaguing us for the past 3 months. I am sad that she has to endure this, because they are painful for her at times...and I don't know if she understands what is happening to her. But we have peace of mind finally. It is priceless.

We still have worries, but we have fewer worries than we did yesterday. And that is a miracle in itself.

An answer?!?

We saw the neurologist today. He was great. He talked with me for a long time, he read all of her history, he read the notes I made him, and he spent time engaging KayTar. It was a stark contrast to our appointment with her previous neurologist. After looking over everything, he said he thinks it is paroxysmal toricollis. If you are familiar with torticollis (the kind infants have at birth), it isn't that kind. They describe the episodes perfectly. This is the FIRST time anything has ever accurately described the episodes. We never felt that seizure was the correct fit...and it seems as though it isn't.

All of the Internet material on this, is largely case studies and medical journal articles...not much layman's information floating around, so I'll give you some highlights.

"Benign paroxysmal torticollis of infancy (BPTI) is a disorder characterized by recurrent episodes of head tilt secondary to cervical dystonia. Attacks are often accompanied by vomiting, pallor, and ataxia, settling spontaneously within hours or days. Episodes begin within the first 12 months of life and resolve by 5 years."

"A miscellaneous episodic dystonic condition is benign paroxysmal torticollis of infancy, which typically begins in the few months after birth. These attacks may occur once every two or three weeks and last from hours to days. Typically, the head and/or trunk tilt to one or the other side."

"Probably not a true migrainous condition, paroxysmal torticollis means a convulsive contraction or shortening of the neck muscles. This rare disorder is characterized by repeated episodes of head tilting and is associated with nausea, vomiting, and headache."

"Head tilt became less prominent after infancy, replaced by vertigo and eventually by migraine headaches."

"Episodes settle spontaneously, usually within a few hours, but may last up to 7 days, only remitting in sleep."

So all in all, it covers all of our major bases. This is GOOD. It is a diagnosis. If he is correct, we don't have to worry about these episodes damaging her brain, which has been our #1 worry, especially as they have lengthen considerably. Technically, they aren't treatable...but he said the Periactin might help because it is a migraine variant and Periactin controls migraines. He is also running blood tests to make sure her calcium channels are working properly, because if they aren't, it lends itself to this sort of episode.

He is running a more in-depth DNA panel, because this diagnosis only covers the episodes, not the delays or the brain abnormalities.

She had to have 3 needle pokes today to get all the blood. She started crying when we walking INTO the lab...she knew what was coming. It was all very sad. But a worker gave her a teddy bear with a note on it that says "You are beary special." and I thought it was very sweet.

She has a follow up MRI in 6 months, to determine if the lesions are growing. If they are, we are still looking at demyelination and leukodystrophy...although he said he doesn't think that is the case. There is nothing to be done about the lesions at this point...if they grow, we'll revisit that.

No hospitalization! Yay!!!

Five Hours

Today* was exhausting. I am exhausted. I'm hoping to be able to form cohesive thoughts for this post, but I may be aiming a bit too high. :P

KayTar had an episode today. It lasted for five hours, start to finish. She was in pain, she was lethargic, and she was vomiting. She wasn't there. She couldn't respond to us, she couldn't focus or make eye contact, her eyes were glazed over. It was broken into 6 distinct sections, separated by instantly falling asleep. She took a two hour nap in the middle that did not "reboot" her. She threw up 4 times in the five hours. She didn't keep anything down until this evening when it had passed.

This is the only time falling asleep hasn't brought her out of it...even her two hour nap didn't "fix" it.

They started out as 30 minutes long, and now we are up to 5 hours. I want to know what is happening to my baby. I am so tired.

*I wrote this last night, but I was so tired I forgot to hit post.

Reunited and it feels so good

It was the beginning of my eighth grade summer when we broke up. I spent the summer hating him and crying to my friends and seeing Austin Powers 13 times in the theatre. I was crushed. And I was dreading high school, because I had to go to his school.

Over the summer, we talked on the phone one time. We were both in our usual chatroom and we started talking and he wanted to call me. So we talked for a few hours, but I still couldn't forgive him and he had a current girlfriend. When school started, it was all kinds of awful. This was a private school, and there were only about 20 kids in the entire freshman class. One of which was my ex-boyfriend, and another was his current girlfriend. She was popular, because she had been there for years and years. I was the new girl, the enemy her boyfriend used to love. She hated me, and made it known. Her friends hated me on principle.

In Bible, which was one of the few classes I had with Josh, I ended up sitting beside him because of the seating arrangement. I'd hear her saying things like "Don't look at her Josh, I see HOW you are looking at her and you better stop!" I spawned fights between them constantly, even though I wasn't even speaking to Josh most of the time. Honestly, they fought a lot anyway, but I was an added catalyst. School was awful, I had no friends, I was away from all my real friends, and I had to watch him with her every day.

Towards the end of my first semester, I was cast in a drama production. Josh's mom was my drama teacher. He and Girlfriend were in the play as well. I was very shy, but she helped me come out of my shell, and in the process I made friends outside of my grade level. I met people. I found something to enjoy, even if Josh and Girlfriend made out back stage at times. As the play progressed, Josh and I started talking more and more, because we were together after school and on weekends, and his mom volunteered to bring me to and from practices. I stopped hating him so much. When the play opened, Josh was spending a lot of time with me. He was telling Girlfriend he was going to the bathroom, but he was sneaking to my side of the stage. He would just sit and talk to me back there. He was calling me on the phone. Opening night we went to dinner together (with his family). He started telling me he was going to break up with Girlfriend. I was ecstatic.

He broke up with her the last day before Christmas break that year. She was livid. But surprisingly, he did not ask me out. We went to homecoming together, because his mom suggested we go as friends. He kissed me that night. The next day, we were friends again. I was still hoping, but it didn't seem to be going anywhere. One of my guy friends asked me out, so I went for it. I was tired of waiting. It did NOT work out. Once we started dating, he stopped calling me or answering his phone. It was like the guy didn't know HOW to be a boyfriend, and he panicked. While I was dating (but not talking to) this guy, Josh and I went out to lunch with my sister, as friends. We went out to the car while she was paying the bill. I used some Binaca, because I always did after eating..and he said "Can I have some?" I said sure and tried to hand it to him, and he leaned in and kissed me. I broke up with Bad Boyfriend. Josh did not ask me out. A few weeks later, he asked me to go see Titanic. We made out in my room after the movie. Then next week, he was going out with some random girl. I was going NUTS! What was he doing to me?!? I decided to let it go. While all of this was happening, Ex-Girlfriend and I had made friends. Good friends, actually. We had sleepovers every weekend, we spent time together after school, and her friends had become my friends.

Then in April, four months after he broke up with Girlfriend, he asked me out. We were at a school dance performance, he was on one side of me, and Ex-Girlfriend was on the other side of me. He was writing on a program and we were passing it back and forth. I panicked. I had let it go! I was done! And here is he asking me out, while I am sitting next to Ex-Girlfriend?! After the performance, I told Ex-Girlfriend. She ran out of the auditorium sobbing. I calmed her down after a while, and she ended up staying over. I told her I didn't know what I was going to do, because of what he had done...but I told her I had feelings for him in spite of it all. I told him I needed time...he had taken his already. I waited three weeks to decide him. After Bible class, I tapped him on the shoulder and said "Yes." he said "Yes what?" I said "To your question." and it was done. He told me that he had decided that morning to tell me to forget the whole thing, he was tired of waiting. I got in just under the wire.

Kiss and Break Up

This next portion is going to be fragmented, but it is necessary filler for the remainder of the story. :)

As we got to know each other, I found out that his parents taught at a private school that he attended...this was the very same private school my mom had decided I was going to for HS, although she didn't tell me until I mentioned where he attended.

The week after we met for the first time, I was invited to his house for dinner. His mom and sister drove him to my house to pick me up. I remember my older sister asking him if he ate meat, and then yelling "Oh God, another meat eater!" or something to that effect. It was very odd. We ate lasagna at his house, which I swallowed whole because I cannot stand to bite into onions (my parents didn't cook with them for that reason). We watched Grease with his family. I remember hanging out in his room for a bit and him showing me a computer game, DOOM, which he was in love with. He taught me how to play, and sent me home with a copy of it. I had no interest in video games, but I had interest in him and having an excuse to call and ask him questions about the game. His family called me "Cyberchickie" behind my back, I didn't find out about that until a couple years ago. :)

We started seeing each other regularly. One weekend we went to the mall with my friends. My mom told us under NO circumstances were we to split up from the rest of my friends. Well, we decided to see Beavis and Butthead, but my friends didn't want to. So they shopped while we saw the movie. We held hands for the first time in Beavis and Butthead Do America...oh so romantic. We shared an arm rest and he "accidentally" slid his pinky on top of mine, and when I didn't move my hand he grabbed it. One of my friends got antsy and called my mom and asked "Did you pick up Kyla and Josh yet?" I think she was mad at me for ditching her, because she couldn't have possibly thought my mom would have left her there. We were in TROUBLE. Oh, and also, I wasn't allowed to see B&B, so we said we went to see 101 Dalmations.

That night, I wasn't feeling well, so I took TheraFlu, which makes me HIGH AS A KITE. I went to bed and had an odd dream. I could only remember pieces, but I remembered getting out of bed and standing in front of the computer downstairs. Evidently, that night I got on the computer and chatted with Josh for a couple hours...and he asked me out. I STILL don't remember this, and he STILL thinks I'm lying about it. Somehow it came up that I didn't think we were going out and he got so upset. He thought I had changed my mind and was trying to get out of it. So I told him to ask me again, and he did, and I said yes.

The first time we kissed, we were behind a local elementary school, and he said "Kiss me!" SO dramatically...I did, even though I thought it was incredibly cheesy.

The first time we REALLY kissed, we were in my den watching Third Rock from the Sun.

We dated for 6 months. It was a great 6 months. I never even remember fighting. Then we went to a theme park with a couple of my friends. He said his friends were meeting us there later. I went on a ride with my friend L while my other friend and Josh waited for us outside. When I came out, he was gone. My friend J said he went to meet his friends, but said he would be back in 15 minutes. So we waited 30 and he never showed. I was a little upset, but we decided to walk around and see if we could find him. We walked for a while, and passed a restaurant...Josh stuck his head out and said "Hey! We're in here." and it was he and his friend T and 4 girls! I was soooo pissed.
I said "We're going to ride Batman, want to come?"
Josh: "No, I can't they are eating."
So I left with my friends. We saw him once for the rest of the day...I swear he had his arm around this girl, but he moved it rather quickly.
He said: "Are you going to the water park?"
Me: "Nope."
Him: "Okay."
And we walked apart. When it was pick up time, he didn't show, so we talked L's mom into leaving. We said "He can get a ride with his new friends." It felt great.
When I got home I called his house to see if he made it home. His mom said no and I offered to go back and get him. She was upset, but she said she'd send his dad out for him.

We tried to make up before I went to Alaska for two weeks, but I was still very upset.

While I was out of town, a mutual friend emailed me and told me to go look at Josh's webpage, but be sure to follow all of the links. So I did. I clicked on "My Girlfriend's Page" and it wasn't MY page. I was LIVID. I couldn't talk to him because I was in AK...but when I got home I tried calling him. I couldn't reach him. I thought he was avoiding me, he was actually in Florida. When he finally called me, I told him it was over and I knew, and I said "I don't love you anymore." He still says "That was so mean, Kyla, you really hurt my feelings." *lol* He deserved it.

As time passed, I discovered it wasn't just that 1 girl. He had taken someone else to his homecoming. He had kissed this other someone. There was WebPage girl. There was Real Life Girl #3. And Real Life Girl #4. Oh yes, 4 of them!

This is where 13 picks up.

PS: Don't hate him too much.

We interrupt your regularly scheduled program

For this very ADORABLE photograph!



That is all. :)

Or Maybe More ;)

We decided to meet over Christmas break one day that year, at the mall, because his mom was already going there for an ophthalmologist appointment, and my friends and I were bored and thirteen year olds LOVE the mall. We were still on the phone and hadn't yet decided on a place and time to meet, when someone called in on our other line. I switched over and it happened to be a coworker of my dad's in Alaska (my dad worked in Alaska)...so Josh and I had to hang up. We never got around to setting up a time or place in the mall to meet, but my friends and I went anyway, because we were thirteen and OMG! THE MALL!

As soon as we arrived, my friends started in with the endless refrains of:
"Is that him?"
"Ooooooh, is THAT him over there?"
"What about him?!?"
To which I replied,
"I have no idea, I've never seen a picture of him before." (these were the Internet wilderness days...there was no Flickr)


We shopped for a while, and then I started to get hungry, so we headed to the food court. As we entered, a guy passed me with two slices of pizza.
Me: "That's him."
Friends: "Shut up...how do YOU know, you've never seen his picture! Plus that guy didn't even say anything! And Josh has blonde hair...that guy doesn't."
Me: "Whatever, that's HIM. Go ask him...I'm going to get Arby's."

35 seconds later, my friends are back.
Friends: "OMG! Its HIM! We said 'Do you know a Kyla?' and he said 'Yes.' IT'S HIM!"

I grabbed my Arby's melt with Cheddar and my curly fries and went over to his table. We said "Hi." and not much else while my friends intently stared at us. After eating, we ditched my friends and walked around the mall together.

Don't ask me how I knew it was him, because I can't tell you. He didn't say a word as he passed me. I don't even think our eyes met. He was just some guy (without blonde hair, the liar!) walking past me with pizza...and I knew that he was Josh. spacemanZERO. I just knew. It is the single strangest thing that has ever happened in my life. I will never forget that day, what he was wearing, seeing his smile for the first time, or that feeling of knowing who he was before I had any reason to know who he was.


And so ends the meeting portion of our saga, join us tomorrow for the next installment....you know you can't wait to find out what this:


has to do with anything.

Friend Seeking Friend

When I was in the eighth grade, we got The Internet. I'm totally dating myself here guys, now you all know I am a baby. I'm sure not many of you had The Internet in the eighth grade. It was so exciting! I could pretend to be sixteen! Every thirteen year old really wants to be sixteen, because they are so MATURE! And respected! I spent the first 3 years of my Internet life as a 16 year old. Luckily, no one seemed to notice. But really, that is neither here nor there. In the midst of pretending to be my brand new mature, respected, sixteen year old self...my friends and I began chatting it up with real live people we didn't know. BOY people. I should mention here I had a 3D boyfriend, but he was only thirteen. When you are Internet-sixteen, real live-thirteen is quite a drag. So Friday nights, my best friend came over and we pretended to be super cool sixteen year olds who flirt with boys online. We had a blast. Of course, Saturday we still rode bikes around the neighorhood, but Friday nights? We were adults.

We heard about a website for our local radio station, called...(wait for it)...CyberLove. It was set up like a mail station, you set up a mailbox with a profile, and people could search and exchange messages. Because I had a boyfriend (stupid thirteen year old boyfriend), I was honest (ha!) and put my box in the "Friend seeking Friend" section. I think I put that I was fifteen, because this was local, and what if I met someone? Lying that you are three years older is TOO much, but lying about two years could just be a mathematical error, I guess. I think my SN was a character from a Christopher Pike novel, I didn't even know how to pronounce it, I just liked the character.

I found a boy, who was also "fifteen", and I emailed him. I have no idea what I said, but he replied. His name was spacemanZERO. He lived in a neaby suburb. He loved the Smashing Pumpkins and computer games. He was nice. We exchanged a few messages before we divulved we both had significant (I use the word loosely) others. His girlfriend was long distance, he was introduced through a mutual friend and they had met only one time. My boyfriend, well, he used to burp and blow it in my face at the lunch table. We continued to exchange emails, because we were "Friends Seeking Friends" (there isn't anything wrong with that!) and we both knew about the other's other.

Then SHE broke up with him! "OMG, Josh, how COULD she?!? I'm so sorry.(not!)" And inexplicably, the burping in my face became too much to handle...and I dumped Burpy. We were FREE...we could have, say, moved our profiles to the "Seeking Hetero Relationship" section, if we wanted. Instead, we started calling each other on the phone. We talked every day. After a few weeks of the phone business, we decided to meet.



***********************************************************


TO BE CONTINUED!

*evil laughter*


His avatar.

13

I remember nights in junior high school, lying in the hammock on the deck in my backyard with my best friend...crying over a certain young man who had broken my heart. You all fondly know him as Josh. I remember being completely honest in that moment. I felt like I was drowning, and talking with L made me feel infinitely better. She just sat with me, armed with sympathetic head tilts and hugs, and the act of her just listening relieved my pain. She didn't have to say anything, although when she did, it was always perfect. "What a jerk. I can't believe he did that to you. I'd kick his ass if I saw him again." It was more than I could have asked for.

I've been thinking about it often lately, because I've never felt more emotionally needy than I do at this moment, and I cannot make myself open up like that. I've attempted to open up, but I sit in silence. At times my mind is screaming so loudly with the need to tell someone how I feel, that I can't even make small talk anymore. I just sit there silently, holding my breath. I've written emails, honest ones, to people I love and have always trusted in the past, but I delete them. I don't understand why I can't do this. It was so easy as a child. What is the difference? Do I think I need to be strong? Or that I will be judged for how I feel? Where does this subconscious self-censoring impulse come from, when we consciously know that we need other people in our lives?

I've agonized over this for days now, days filled with silence and deleted emails. I think I am afraid. I'm not afraid to be seen as weak, I'm afraid of what someone I love will say. I know the pain of what I am going through is unavoidable, but the added wounds from well-meant words are avoidable. The beauty of those moments with L was in her ability to listen, without saying much at all. She did not try to fix how I felt or explain it to me. She did not tell me that God had a plan. She did not give me advice at all. She just listened and accepted how I felt. She knew she was helpless to change what had happened. Somewhere in our growing up, we lose that ability, the ability to listen without trying to help or to change things. But in the moments of our deepest need? All we need is a listening ear and a warm shoulder to get us through.

In those moments when someone bares their soul to you and you can't think of a thing to say to them? It is because you aren't supposed to say anything; there is nothing you can say. It is enough to simply be there, listening and loving them. That is all they need. When we grow into adulthood, we feel like there HAS to be something we can say or do to fix these things, but there isn't. If you know someone who is hurting, remember how to be 13 and helpless; because they don't need help, they just need you.




PS- I love you guys. You have been my L during these rough days.

November

Today is the first day of November, also known as NaBloPMo or NaNoWriMo. I haven't decided to participate in either of these, because this month promises to be a challenging one for me. Of course, there's no great blogging-fodder than a challenging month, so I haven't decided against it either. It may depend on what kind of high-speed access I have while in the Children's Hospital. Either way, I've decided to give it a try and see where we go, unofficially of course. If it goes well, at the end of the month I'll make it official. :)

**********************************************************

November.

It has been 90 days today since the doctor's appointment that changed my life.

90 days filled with:

10 trips to the Children's Hospital
10 therapy sessions
8 needle pokes
6 doctors
5 seizure-like episodes
4 developmental evaluations
2 ER trips
2 panels of blood work
2 sets of immunizations
1 EEG
1 CT scan
1 MRI
1 neurologist appointment
1 feeding disorders appointment
1 ophthalmologist appointment
0 answers


The next 90 days are equally promising:

37 therapy sessions
5+ trips to the Children's Hospital
2 neurology appointments
2+ needle pokes
1 psychological developmental evaluation
1 genetics appointment
1 hospitalization
1 extended EEG
1 MRA
1+ panels of blood work
1 clotting test
1 pediatrician appointment
1 set of immunizations

This is what the calendar already holds on the very first day of this 90 day period, stay tuned to see exactly how much we can fit into 90 days. I hope that by the end of it all, we can add this proudly to the list:

1 ANSWER

The fear creeps in

After I speak with the pediatrician, it takes me a few days to fully digest the information. I lay awake at night and replay the conversation in my head. I always remember the major things immediately; but less critical things, like the names of certain possible diseases or things to research, they come to me later. Yesterday I had an "A-HA!" moment. I remembered the pediatrician named some disease or condition that involved the term "leuko" when she was talking about demyelination, so I typed "leuko demyelination" into Google and came up with the answer. Leukodystrophy . This scares me. From what I have read, there is no cure for these types of disorders. They are progressive, and they end in...God, I can't even say what they end in. They end in my biggest fear. The fear that whispers in my ear. The fear I try to practice facing in my mind, but can't. The fear that makes me sick to my stomach to dwell on. I can't tell you what that fear is, because I can't bring myself to say it aloud, but you know what it is. Saying it aloud gives it validity and I cannot do that. This is as far as I go with it, and then I will tuck the fear away again. These disorders are just one of the possibilites that the doctors are looking into, there is no need to be fearful yet...but still it creeps in.

Help me!

I know I have some hospital-veteran readers, at least on occassion, and we are about to gear up for a hospital stay here in the near future. This is the calm before the storm, so to speak. Josh goes back to work tomorrow, and we start with this week's round of appointments, which might end with her hospitalization...if not, it will be the following week. I'm trying to get prepared. And so, I look to you for help in my preparations...even if you aren't a hospital-vet, you input is much appreciated.

What do I need to take care of here at home before we go?

Is there anything I need to do in advance in anticipation of my not being here?

What should I pack and bring with us?

How do you entertain a 20 month old in the hospital for a long period of time, especially when they are running batteries of not-so-enjoyable tests?

Does this sound like a workable scenario?
I will have my mom watch Nathan during the day while Josh works, take him to and from school, and Josh will pick him up when he is off of work, they can come visit at the hospital, and then the two of them will go home. I'm just planning on being there for the duration.

Is there anything I need to know?

Thanks in advance!

The Sweetest Thing

Well, one of the sweetest things at least. :) Today during naptime KayTar was having a hard time sleeping, but she wasn't quite ready to be awake, so I put her in bed with me. This is a rare event, because the girl likes her own space while sleeping. She ended up falling asleep again and I just laid beside her and watched her dreaming. A few minutes later, she started signing in her sleep! I know some people talk in their sleep, but I had never thought about those who speak sign language signing in their sleep. It was incredibly adorable. She was so sweet, all rosey cheeked in dreamland, signing about apples and cheese. :)

Just so you feel the full effect of her adorable-ness, I'll let you experience a waking version. :) Enjoy!

Make photo slide shows at onetruemedia.com

Why I love this vacation

We leave our room a mess and when we get back, it is clean!

We go eat Ben and Jerry's almost daily...and it is here in the hotel, no leaving required!

We can go buy chocolates at Godiva whenever the mood strikes.

We eat out for every meal.

People will deliver said-food to our room.

All food, chocolate, and ice cream is being paid for by someone else...it makes it taste so much sweeter. :)

We have no obligations, no doctors to visit, no therapy sessions, no schlepping children to and from school.

We don't have to do laundry or dishes or grocery shop.

I took a bath...a real, mostly quiet, mostly uninterrupted, relaxing bath! (of course BubTar was shooting at me with Zurg's blaster under the bathroom door, but who cares *lol*)

We have mandatory nap time...yes, I get to take a nap as well. :)

Josh and I lay in bed together at night and watch mindless crap on television.

We went to Disney World!!

It is GLORIOUS!

Split Personalities

I've received a few compliments on how well I'm handling our news. That is true to a point. I feel like I am two people. One Kyla is huddled in the corner rocking herself back and forth and the other one is telling her to shut the heck up because there is no time for that sort of behavior. She's the one in charge at the moment. I don't have time to mourn what might have been, or become paralyzed in fear over what might be. My job is to take care of Katie, to be strong enough to see her through this, to keep my family functioning like it should. My job is to make sure we have a nice vacation, because this might be the last one for a long while. As I write this, the scaredy cat in the corner says "It might be the last one with Katie." but this is why she isn't allowed to talk.

I don't know what these lesions mean, I don't know why they are there or how we are going to have to handle them. Some people (not doctors) are mentioning brain surgery, which makes the scaredy cat start climbing the walls. "The thought of someone opening up my baby's brain is too much." is what she says as she rocks herself. The doctors haven't given me projected courses of action, and now is not the time to worry about those possibilities...there is no room for needless worying. I know at some point, things will be too much and emotions will come out, but for as long as I can maintain, I have to try. I don't want anyone thinking I am cold towards what is happening, but I just can't allow myself to lower the walls right now. We are at a pivotal point and we all need to stay strong...I have a feeling there is a long road ahead of us.

The results are in...sort of...

After I wrote my post last night, the pediatrician returned my call. She apologized and said she goes out of state twice a year and leaves her pager, and yesterday was one of those days. She said I can have her paged any time, even if she isn't the on call doctor. She is amazing, in case I haven't explained that to you all lately. Amazing. If there are pediatrician of the year awards, I need to nominate her, because WOW. She is wonderful. She said she would call and get the MRI results first thing in the morning and call me. We were walking around the hotel (which isn't a hotel as much as a built in zoo/theme park) when she called. I ran back into the lobby so I could hear, because the waterfall was a tad noisy.

The MRI wasn't clean. She has lesions on 3 of her lobes; both parietal lobes, and her frontal lobe. This explains the speech problems and motor function difficulties. What is unclear is what the lesions are and what is causing/has caused them. She mentioned metabolic diseases, in-utero infection such as CMV, and even stroke. She said there were no calcifications on the CT scan so stroke is unlikely, but not impossible. She couldn't get in touch with our current neuro, but she did contact a friend of hers who is a neurologist in the same clinic. She has been discussing KayTar with him for a while now, and she is referring us to him when we return. She and I both feel like the current neurologist dismisses our concerns and already has his mind made up. She said that when she calls him she has to get everything out in one breath because as soon as she takes a breath he says "Oh, Dr. I think everything will be okay." When I saw him in the clinic I felt like it was a totally wasted appointment because he already had his mind made up. The pediatrician said that she trusts the new neurologist and thinks it is a good idea to get more eyes in there. He will take good care of KayTar because he is friends with her pediatrician.

When we return home, KayTar sees the opthomologist on Monday, and then later in the week we will see new neurologist. After he examines her, she will be admitted to the hospital for testing. They will be doing more blood work, clotting tests, an extended EEG (24 hours), an MRA to look at her arteries/veins in the brain, and whatever else strikes their fancy.

I am thankful the MRI came back showing us something, even though it felt like a punch in the gut. If it was clear, we would be lost, treading water, no place to go. Since it isn't we have a direction, things to look into, tests to narrow things down. I am thankful for this week, the break from everything, because when we come back it starts up in full force. I am thankful for our pediatrician and her genuine concern for us and KayTar. I'm thankful that we aren't quite as lost as we were yesterday.

Panic in the Garage

We spent the morning packing and preparing for our big trip. We got out the door in plenty of time and everything was going swimmingly until we arrived in the parking garage at the airport. KayTar started sqwaking from the backseat, which is pretty odd for her. When Josh took her out of the car, we both knew something was wrong. Her eyes were rolling around in her head, her head was tilted, and she wasn't aware of anything. I can't explain this moment to you. We both (even Josh the rock) panicked. We are about to unpack the car to get on a shuttle to go to the airport to get on a plane for a 2 hour flight. And yet here is our baby having a seizure, or whatever it is. This is a key moment. We freeze. Josh says "I guess we aren't going." For some reason, maybe because this "vacation" is actually in part, a conference for Josh's job, maybe because I couldn't stand the thought of losing this vacation when we were so close to getting away- I was the one to calm him down and take charge....this never happens. Never. I grabbed his blackberry and called the pediatrician. Of course it is Sunday, so I get the answering service, who pages the nurse, who informs me that my doctor is not on call this weekend. She offered to page Dr. OnCall, but we declined. We've done that before...by the time we are done explaining months of testing to Dr. OnCall, crisis has been averted...or he has something helpful to say like "Gosh, I don't know." I beg the nurse to page our doctor, she does, but explains she probably won't answer. She didn't answer. But while we were waiting on the call, we decided to proceed....hoping it would pass and life would go on, like it tends to do, while simultaneously hoping for the pediatrician to answer our call. Neither really happened, but because we were so far into the process of going, we just stayed the course.

This was a weird episode (like any of this is "normal"). She came in and out of it several distinct times. It was still similar though...eye rolling, head tilting, altered state of awareness. This time there was no pain, but she didn't seem to have the total drunken baby thing going either. I think today was the most "typical" seizure behavior we've seen...but it is all so closely related. Variations of the same. They were close together and very pronounced for about an hour, and then tapered off...but she wasn't back to herself until she woke up after the plane landed, roughly 3 hours after it all began. Its like her brain forgets how to function until she falls asleep and "reboots".

So tomorrow I will be calling the pediatrician, to let her know, and I suppose I'll get those pesky MRI results while I'm at it. Who are we kidding, I'm not strong enough to call and NOT ask about the results.

On a slightly different note, I changed my voicemail message to the following before leaving: "This is the Tar residence. We are currently out of town. If you are a doctor or doctor's office calling in reference to KayTar, please call me on my cell phone at XXX-XXX-XXXX. Thank you." How weird is my life?

To know? Or not to know?

The MRI went well! I was dreading the IV, because they have such a difficult time finding a vein and drawing blood, and the veins in both of her hands were shot from Wednesday. The nurse put the IV in her wrist on the first poke and all in all it was a lot less traumatic than the blood work. They wrapped her good hand so she couldn't tear at her IV, because she HATES having anything stuck to her. She tears off everything, bandaids after shots, stickers, she was even able to take off her hand wraps on Wednesday.

Here she is trying to pull on her IV with her wrapped hand:


Once we went to the MRI prep room, the anesthesiologist gave her the shot of the magical white medicine through the IV- KayTar let out half a yelp and was out like a light. It was so amazing! The whole thing took about 45 minutes and then we were called back to recovery. While she was still under, her heart rate dropped a couple times and her O2 levels dropped as well. Her heart/lung monitor alarms went off three or four times. It was a little scary! But as soon as she woke up everything went back to normal. She jabbered all the way home and has been perfectly fine. All in all, I'd take an MRI over blood work any day.

We don't have any results. Because we had the MRI on a Friday, our doctor won't have the results until Monday, and we will be out of town from Sunday to Saturday. I want to call the doctor on Monday to get the results, but Josh wants to let it be until we get home. He thinks the vacation should actually be a vacation. I don't think he wants to get bad news and have it ruin the week...or get a clear result and be frustrated the rest of the week. On the other hand, I don't know if I can actually make it through the week without knowing, when knowing is only a phone call away. Last night I was so exhausted, I've been living for yesterday for two months now, and having it finished was such a relief...I know we still don't have the results, but having our part finished was such a load off. I haven't felt that tired in months...it felt like I was off duty in a way. It was a good feeling. It is a good feeling. Maybe I'll try and hold on to that feeling and make it through the week. Maybe.

Anticipation...

"So tedious is this day
As is the night before some festival
To an impatient child that hath new robes
And may not wear them"

The MRI is this afternoon.

You LOST her blood?!?

This morning I was awakened by a phone call. Of course I made Josh answer it while I pretended to sleep, but he nudged me and handed me the phone and it said Children's Hospital on the caller ID, so I took it. It was the lab. Evidently, when I took my poor sweet baby in last Wednesday they "routed one tube of blood incorrectly" and by the time they found it, it was too old to test. So I had to take my poor darling in again today. She was stuck two more times. Since last Monday, she has been stuck 5 times, all for the SAME blood work...and Friday she gets to have an IV for her MRI. I am so very sad. She looks like a tiny burn victim or a very cute boxer, I'll let you decide.








They offered to send a phlebotomist to my house...but I really didn't want to invite that kind of trauma into my home...and I also feel like the workers are at the Children’s Hospital are as gentle and as kind as they can be with her. We've turned it into a bit of a date, we go eat lunch in the cafeteria (which has yummy food like Chick Fil A), KayTar pretends to eat fries while I actually do eat my fries. We watch the waterfall for a bit, then we go visit the fishies (she tried hugging the fish through the tank today, it was very sweet). Last week they were having a carnival, so we went to visit the clowns and she got some neat stickers. And we wrap it all up with a nice round of needle poking and we are on our way home. It is still miserable, but it takes a tiny bit of the edge off, at least for me. I know she's having a little bit of special fun before the really awful part happens.

On a completely different subject, our dog jumped up onto BubTar last night and knocked his tooth loose! It was such a weird freak accident. I think he's going to lose it soon, he can't stop wiggling it. He's horrified that it is wiggly, but he just can't stop himself. I'm sad my baby boy is going to lose his first tooth already!

A glimpse of the past

The delete key has been a bit overactive lately. I can't seem to control it. You see, I haven't really been missing, I've been writing posts, leaving them on my screen all day stopping to reread them several times per day, and then eventually hitting the delete key. I think I've been mildly depressed, which is probably why I keep coming up with crap that deserves to be deleted. *lol* So I'm committing this time...this post will survive!

Last week, Josh pulled out the old camcorder (this isn't going where you THINK it's going, you dirty people) and transferred the contents of the tape to the TiVo so we can put it on DVD and he can reuse the tape. The tape was wonderful, it was footage covering BubTar's third Christmas (he was 2 years old) when I was perfectly and plumply pregnant with our dear KayTar, all the way through her birth, up until she was about 8 months old. BubTar was adoarable! He just made me MELT. With his gruff little baby voice and delicious baby fat, I almost cried with joy at seeing my dear baby boy again. He was hilarious...he was obsessed with talking to himself in the viewfinder, we have about 35 shots of the side of his head as he leaned in CLOSE to the viewfinder to talk to the "udder BubTar" (translated to mean "other"). I was shocked I could still understand his garbled BubTar-ese...Josh kept looking at me for translations. It was amazingly cute. Even the way he said KayTar's name was glorious.

KayTar was beautiful, as always, but rewatching this old footage we realized something...all was never quite as it should be with our sweet KayTar. In one video, she spontaneously gagged and threw up (it looked exactly like the shaving cream reaction, it was weird)..the way I reacted made it seem like she did this often. In a segment from when she was about 5-6 months old, she was laying on our bed, not rolling or sitting or crawling, just laying looking at her hands in thay very newborn way. Her cousin was crawling all over her and looking at her and babbling at her, and KayTar just laid still examining her own hands. From the dialogue, I could tell my sister was maybe a little concerned and just joking about it...and I was jokingly defending her...at the time maybe I knew something wasn't quite right, but we just thought she was taking her time, as apposed to our BubTar who was always advanced. It difficult to compare two children, especcially is one is advanced. I think that is why it took us so long to really decide to push for answers with KayTar...for a long time we just thought she was just taking her time, and it seemed "off" to us because BubTar went so fast. Of course, now we realize that wasn't the case. I asked friends from her birth club to post videos of their children at the same ages we had clips of KayTar, just for comparison purposes. The babies were largely sitting up during the period KayTar was still staring at her little hands, and cruising by the time KayTar was very wobbly staying propped in a sitting position for long enough to snap a picture. The videos of last November of the other kids, looks just like KayTar now.

It was a good discovery for us, lately Josh and I have spent quite a bit of time discussing things and one of the topics is whether it has always been this way, or if it happened all of a sudden, now we know...it has always been this way. I think the gap has grown more as time has passed, and it finally became something obvious, something we couldn't overlook anymore. I wonder what might have happened if we discovered all of this earlier, if we had been able to help her earlier what sort of difference it might have made...but I realize that doesn't matter. This is where we are today, and we are doing all we can do for her. There is no reason to look back at what might have been. StupidPedi might have to do some looking back, though...if we ever get a diagnosis, I think Josh is going to force him to do some looking back...the kind of looking back you do when you are being sued for negligence or malpractice. Pediatricians aren't only supposed to keep their patients well; they are supposed to make sure their development (physical and mental) is on track. He let every bit of this slide for over a year, and he also let her fall off the growth chart. He perpetually told us everything was fine....he disregarded all of our concerns. The month after she had her first visit with our new amazingly wonderful pediatrician, he filled out a form that said:
"KayTar has no birth defects/congenital/genetic/metabolic/or developmental abnormalities.
She has no conditions requiring therapies (speech, occupational, physical, or psychological).
She has no conditions requiring a specialist referral or consultation.
She has no conditions requiring a hospital stay, outpatient procedure, or surgery.
She is on no daily medications.
She has no medical conditions or illnesses requiring ongoing follow-ups."

Do you see what I mean about disregarding everything? It worries me that the man is still treating children, and more kiddos like KayTar are falling through the cracks. He might be a good doctor, but he isn't a good pediatrician. Josh doesn't get fired up often...but I don't think he's going to let go of this one.

On a lighter note, here is a picture of my BubTar from the land of yesteryear, all chubbly-bubbly and beautiful:



And one more of my very favorite part of the video, the meeting of BubTar and KayTar:

An affair to remember...

I'm having a secret love affair. With KayTar. Our days are filled with appointments and activity, but the nights are ours.

If you knew us, you would know that we are sticklers for bedtime around here. We can give and take maybe 30 minutes around bedtime, but it is a constant in our lives. We round them up and tuck them in, and enjoy blessed adult television time. Last night I was in the bedroom hanging up laundry, and I heard a sweet little voice on the monitor. She had been in bed for an hour and hadn't fussed at all, she was just babbling to herself, or maybe to her blankey, I'm not sure. I couldn't resist. I told Josh I was going to check on her and when I entered her room she popped up and starting giggling and clapping. That sealed the deal. I scooped her up and danced around the room with her. She snuggled and giggled some more. Josh heard us laughing together and came in as well. He hugged her and talked to her, and then he put his t-shirt on her. She loved it. Since she was up already, we decided to bring her back to the living room. She was being totally adorable. So adorable it made bedtime disappear. She stayed up for about an hour with us, just being adorable and letting us bask in the warmth of her smile.

Yesterday was awful. KayTar napped from 4:30-7:45 in the evening after we came home. Once BubTar went to bed, I snuck KayTar out for a late night Walmart run. We needed batteries, so I used it as an excuse to kidnap her and take her out past her bedtime. She was so silly and wonderful while we were out (although I think she was a bit confused about why it was dark). She asked for Cheetos (point, grunt, sign "eat") so I bought them for her. It felt so rebellious! We were out past bedtime AND buying junk food. I even opened them for her in the checkout line. After the day she had, I would have bought her a pony, I think...so the Cheetos were a reasonable request. She nibbled on the sides of the Cheetos, like tiny corn on the cob. She even swallowed some (although much of it was spit out). She signed to me to ask for more. We had a blast.

Our days are filled with testing and therapy, but our nights are filled with swoony baby love, complete with sloppy baby kisses and belly laughs. We aren't throwing bedtime out the window, I'm sure tonight it will be back to normal...but its nice to know we can throw it out once in a while and fill that time with special time just for us. An hour filled with sloppy baby kisses and belly laughs now and again is better than the best therapy. :)

Here are some photos of our secret evenings together:

Wearing Daddy's shirt and sitting in the block tub


Wearing BubTar's hat


This one just cracks me up...what a face!

Could you make that sweetness go to bed? I don't think so.

Blood work makes me SAD

Today was a big day! We went to the Feeding Disorders Clinic downtown at our usual hot spot, the Children's Hospital. The doctor was amazingly friendly and great with KayTar...she was also quite the talker. I really enjoyed the appointment. She was very informative and even gave me some tips for navigating my insurance and the school system in future years. She gave me some snappy comebacks for therapist who doubt the validity of her issues, because the school system doesn't provide "feeding" therapy. She referred KayTar to a private SLP/OT through the hospital who will do an in-depth evaluation and set up therapy for her. The doctor said our goal is to have her eating normally by Kindergarten. Wow. Even though I know much of this could be long term, I didn't realize it would take so long to get her to eat normally. Kindergarten seems light years away.

On the way home, I suggested to Josh (yes, he came to the appointment, his very first!) that we might want to knock the blood work out today, too, so we stopped at the lab. IT WAS AWFUL. It is always awful. Pulling into the parking lot makes me want to barf. Looking at my sweet smiling baby girl as we walk in the building to her doom, makes me want to barf. Actually waiting in the room for the phlebotomist makes me do a little apprehensive dance. And since Josh was there with me, I did a good bit of repeating "I don't want to do this!" and burying my head in his shoulder. Holding her down while they stick her makes me cry. AWFUL. They stuck her once, and WIGGLED THE NEEDLE AROUND. A LOT. I thought I was going to pass out. I was holding her down while they tortured her. If someone had wiggled that needle in MY arm? They would have left the room with a black eye. But poor KayTar had to take it. So sad. The ladies put the tourniquet on her other arm and started pressing and rubbing, but they gave up before sticking her. They couldn't find a viable vein or get any blood. We have to go to the Children's Hospital on Wednesday to have the pro's take care of it. One bonus? We get instant results. No waiting 2-4 weeks to get answers. But it means I have to hold her down again on Wednesday, and I don't want to do it. At all. Ugh.

Lead Balloon

What is wrong with me people? Seriously, I'm sure you guys come here to listen to me freak out, and I haven't really been filling your needs in my last couple posts. Far be it from me to deprive you, so here goes.

The lead poisoning thing has be FREAKED. Seriously. Our house was built in 1962, pre-lead paint ban. KayTar is never unsupervised, unless she is safely in her crib, so she doesn't have the opportunity to have a nice paint chip smorgasbord. I know she's not eating paint chips…because HELLO! KayTar eating? No. And eating something called a "chip"? Definitely not. If it was paint chip puree in a stage 2 jar, maybe...but otherwise, no. My initial thought was that in all likelihood, it is not lead poisoning. But when I mentioned it to a family member, the least alarmist family member I have, no less, she substantiated it. Wow. Of course I then hop on to Google, because you never find anything but good news on the internet (right?) and start reading. Turns out you can get lead poisoning from all sorts of innocuous things....dust, water from pipes soldered with lead, soil from areas with houses painted with lead paint.

We've lived here for KayTar's entire existence. Conception to this very day have all taken place in this house. Now I think, have we been poisoning her? When I was drinking tap water while pregnant and nursing, was I hurting her? When we made formula with tap water, were we hurting her? Dear Lord, when we boiled her bottles in water were we poisoning her? (Heating water actually causes lead levels to RISE) What about bathing? When we track dirt from outside into the house on our shoes, and she touches the ground and later sucks on her hands, are we poisoning her?!? Do you see how this is going? Now I feel like the house is killing us all, and I have absolutely NO evidence to support that, except the year the house was built. We haven't even done the blood work yet. While we are waiting on the testing and results, I'm wondering if we are harming her by being here, does that even make sense? If the tests come back positive, I'm going to kick myself for staying here...even though, as of right now, there is no actual reason not to stay here. I doubt it is lead poisoning, logically, I doubt it...but in a world of uncontrollable reasons for KayTar's various difficulties, this is the only possibility out there that I feel that could have been controlled. And that fact alone will provide me with endless guilt if it ends up being our diagnosis. Ah, the joys of parenthood. ;)

Successful Sunday

Today has been productive! Amazing! I can't remember the last day I felt productive. I scrubbed the bathroom, I've done several loads of laundry, and this is the best part- I went on a bicycle ride. That's right. I got off my lazy duff and exercised! Isn't that shocking? I was shocked.

It was wonderful. I don't know what possessed me. Maybe it was the fall weather (ha! not where we live). Maybe it was my sad bicycle sitting alone in the garage. Maybe I was that bored. Whatever the reason, I did it. And I enjoyed it. My legs burned, my lungs burned, my brain screamed "Get back to the couch! What are you doing to me?" but as time passed I thought less and less about anything except pumping the pedals and feeling the wind in my hair. Those thirty minutes are the longest time I've kept myself from worrying about KayTar in months. It was just me and my bicycle.

I got home, turned the fan on high, collapsed on the floor in my bedroom and felt like I was going to pass out. I laid there for 20 minutes with nothing at all in my brain. It was wonderful. Then I hopped into the shower. By the time I was out of the shower and dressed again, Josh was almost done cooking dinner for us. I should do this more often.

Home Sweet Home

This weekend was a girl's weekend out. We were going to watch a dance competition, sleep in, eat out, watch movies...all without husbands or children. Well, I didn't go. When it came down to it, I couldn't leave KayTar. She hasn't had an episode in a little over 2 weeks (HOORAY!) but I couldn't escape the worry that she might have one over the weekend. I don't doubt Josh's ability to handle the situation, I think either of us could do it in our sleep at this point, but I couldn't bear the thought of being hours away when she went through something like that. We aren't even sure what is happening during the episodes, they have changed once already, and I worried that if I left, something might change again and make them scarier or more dangerous, and I couldn't leave.

I was lectured for my decision, about how I need me time, about how I have to take care of myself, about how I need time away. Those things are true to a point...but the emotional stress of leaving her right now would far out weight any benefits. If I worry as much as I do when I am in such close proximity to her, imagine how that would increase given a few hundred miles? My head might spontaneously explode when we reached the city limits!

So instead, I have watched endless hours of TiVOed shows and episodes of Law and Order: SVU. This weekend has been the most restful one I've had in a long time. Friday night I was exhausted after our pediatrician visit, but Josh begged me into riding with him to a tool store...he said "Please! I really want to talk...I promise it will be fun." and I said "When did you turn into a woman?" but I went anyway. You know what? I did have fun. We got home and vegged out together, which was also nice. BubTar spent the afternoon and evening with his grandparents, so it was just the two of us and KayTar. Yesterday we left the house once, to pick PupTar up from being spayed...they rest of the day was spent lazing around. It has been glorious. I can't imagine that my trip out of town would have been any more restful than this. :)

Just the facts

We had a whopper of a pediatrician appointment yesterday and I was given so much information that it will be impossible to both provide you with said information and also whine about said information....and because I can't whine to you if you don't have the information...I am providing you with the lovely information in this blog and I'll come back to whine later. Don't worry...you know I'm good for it.

Let's start with GOOD news for a change. KayTar has grown 2.5 inches and gained 3.6 lbs since we switched pediatricians (the end of July). Something tells me that if StupidPedi had been doing his job, she wouldn't have fallen off her growth chart in the first place. She is now almost back on track and we can go down to one PediaSure a day, instead of two. YAY!

Poor baby got 3 shots because StupidPedi let her get behind...and she has to get 4 more in 6 weeks!

She is being referred to an ophthalmologist because certain metabolic diseases show up in the eyes. (after she told me that, she looked at me and said "This is what we start trying when we don't know what else to do.")

The neurologist has requested blood work to test for lead poisoning. The pedi has requested uric acid blood tests. So on Monday we get to go back to get blood drawn and I HATE it. Honestly, I feel like an awful mommy for days after. It’s been the worst test by far...even worse than the EEG.

She asked me about high cholesterol in our families, and so I think maybe after this next round of visits/testing, we may get referred to a cardiologist in case the episodes are being caused by lack of blood flow to the brain.

She told KayTar that she is the biggest mystery she's ever encountered as a doctor. Josh said if they end up discovering some new condition he wants it named after KayTar. *lol* She also said at her child's last PTA meeting, she pulled aside another parent who is a neurologist to quiz him about KayTar. She's really got them stumped!

She said she can't give me a 100% on it not being a tumor, but things are looking good for it NOT to be a tumor. Steady head growth, nothing major on the CT scan, ect. She said we're still waiting on the MRI before we are 100%, but she was able to reassure me some.

After we go back in 6 weeks, she will present her to the chief of pediatrics at the Children's Hospital. She wants all the info she can get before that so she has her bases covered. In 6 weeks we will have been to the Feeding Disorders Clinic, had the MRI, finished all the blood work, seen the ophthalmologist; that coupled with the neuro's information, the CT, and EEG, she should have quite a bit by then. We'll just be lacking the Genetics appointment which isn't until January 2007.

She said KatTar's muscle tone is good, but she still seems to have a lot of muscle weakness, if it wasn't for the loss of words and the episodes she'd think it was a musculoskeletal problem...but throwing in the other stuff, it's not a fit. She said most kids who are behind like KayTar are really floppy, but she has good muscle tone, she just can't seem to coordinate things properly.

Josh has been asking me if she'll ever be able to talk (especially since we're working on sign now he is wondering if this is permanent) and so I asked the pedi for him and she said she can't say. She said she might never talk...but we don't know. She said that will be the hardest thing if they can't find what it is that is going wrong, we'll never know what she's capable of or what to expect for her.

I asked if she will be prone to losing her sign words like she has lost spoken words and she said that it will be interesting to see, because she's unsure because she doesn't know why the words are disappearing.

So we don't know a whole lot still, just more testing and waiting. But the MRI is the Friday after next, and that will be a load off.

And here's a picture of my beautiful girl, just to lighten the mood.

Rapturous Joy

SHE SAID MAMA-


And then she reached for me from her daddy's arms-


And then she hugged me and giggled-


And then my heart grew three sizes, just like the Grinch.


Excuse me while I melt into a puddle of love. :)

Ode to KayTar

Inspired by a couple posts, I decided to talk about all the wonderfulness that is KayTar. I spend so much time writing about the negative, because outside of the blog realm, I don't discuss it; that in the blog realm, I spend little time praising all of the positive that I have been given in my little KayTar.



KayTar is a sweetheart. She is such a little lovebug. She may not care for strangers, but she totally makes up for it with the love she pours out into our little family. Her brother is her best friend, and he loves her just as much. We've never had problems with sibling rivalry between the two of them. In some ways, she is the easiest child. She rarely fusses when we are at home, and if she does, it is only to let us know that she is tired or that she needs some alone time in her crib. At night, we put her in her crib and she goes to sleep. She doesn't night wake, she sleeps in until 9:30 (glorious 9:30!), and she is in no rush to get moving in the mornings. I have been able to enjoy her babyhood so much, I feel like I was given a double portion of sweet baby-goodness. Her brother was ready to be grown up from the time he left the womb. He was three weeks old and standing on my lap. He passed his milestones early; there was scarcely a babyhood to be found. Every new thing KayTar does, we savor because we know it was hard won. We have time to enjoy each new thing she learns because they aren't so piled up on top of one another that it becomes one large lump of accomplishments. This morning she signed "More food." when she wanted her breakfast and we didn't ask or prompt her...she just told her daddy she was ready to eat. It was like a miracle. We took so many things for granted with BubTar, but KayTar has taught us how special each individual accomplishment can be. Nothing comes easy to her, and we are challenged daily to help her become the very best version of herself. We are becoming the best parents we can be because of her. We had almost a full year and a half before she started exploring the house, we would put her in the living room to play and she never wandered off or got into anything she wasn't supposed to. She plays on her own so well and has never needed anyone to entertain her. She is not clingy and she does not whine. She does not have tantrums, and we never have to discipline her. One of friends said it this was, "She is easy in every way she can control; the ways she is difficult she has no control over." and it is so true. In every way that she can help, she is the most wonderful kiddo on the planet. She is both my easiest and my most challenging child. I can't merge the two and say it balances, because it doesn't work that way. But I can say I wouldn't trade our KayTar for anything, and that what we are going through right now is a small price to pay to have someone so wonderful in our lives.