The delete key has been a bit overactive lately. I can't seem to control it. You see, I haven't really been missing, I've been writing posts, leaving them on my screen all day stopping to reread them several times per day, and then eventually hitting the delete key. I think I've been mildly depressed, which is probably why I keep coming up with crap that deserves to be deleted. *lol* So I'm committing this time...this post will survive!
Last week, Josh pulled out the old camcorder (this isn't going where you THINK it's going, you dirty people) and transferred the contents of the tape to the TiVo so we can put it on DVD and he can reuse the tape. The tape was wonderful, it was footage covering BubTar's third Christmas (he was 2 years old) when I was perfectly and plumply pregnant with our dear KayTar, all the way through her birth, up until she was about 8 months old. BubTar was adoarable! He just made me MELT. With his gruff little baby voice and delicious baby fat, I almost cried with joy at seeing my dear baby boy again. He was hilarious...he was obsessed with talking to himself in the viewfinder, we have about 35 shots of the side of his head as he leaned in CLOSE to the viewfinder to talk to the "udder BubTar" (translated to mean "other"). I was shocked I could still understand his garbled BubTar-ese...Josh kept looking at me for translations. It was amazingly cute. Even the way he said KayTar's name was glorious.
KayTar was beautiful, as always, but rewatching this old footage we realized something...all was never quite as it should be with our sweet KayTar. In one video, she spontaneously gagged and threw up (it looked exactly like the shaving cream reaction, it was weird)..the way I reacted made it seem like she did this often. In a segment from when she was about 5-6 months old, she was laying on our bed, not rolling or sitting or crawling, just laying looking at her hands in thay very newborn way. Her cousin was crawling all over her and looking at her and babbling at her, and KayTar just laid still examining her own hands. From the dialogue, I could tell my sister was maybe a little concerned and just joking about it...and I was jokingly defending her...at the time maybe I knew something wasn't quite right, but we just thought she was taking her time, as apposed to our BubTar who was always advanced. It difficult to compare two children, especcially is one is advanced. I think that is why it took us so long to really decide to push for answers with KayTar...for a long time we just thought she was just taking her time, and it seemed "off" to us because BubTar went so fast. Of course, now we realize that wasn't the case. I asked friends from her birth club to post videos of their children at the same ages we had clips of KayTar, just for comparison purposes. The babies were largely sitting up during the period KayTar was still staring at her little hands, and cruising by the time KayTar was very wobbly staying propped in a sitting position for long enough to snap a picture. The videos of last November of the other kids, looks just like KayTar now.
It was a good discovery for us, lately Josh and I have spent quite a bit of time discussing things and one of the topics is whether it has always been this way, or if it happened all of a sudden, now we know...it has always been this way. I think the gap has grown more as time has passed, and it finally became something obvious, something we couldn't overlook anymore. I wonder what might have happened if we discovered all of this earlier, if we had been able to help her earlier what sort of difference it might have made...but I realize that doesn't matter. This is where we are today, and we are doing all we can do for her. There is no reason to look back at what might have been. StupidPedi might have to do some looking back, though...if we ever get a diagnosis, I think Josh is going to force him to do some looking back...the kind of looking back you do when you are being sued for negligence or malpractice. Pediatricians aren't only supposed to keep their patients well; they are supposed to make sure their development (physical and mental) is on track. He let every bit of this slide for over a year, and he also let her fall off the growth chart. He perpetually told us everything was fine....he disregarded all of our concerns. The month after she had her first visit with our new amazingly wonderful pediatrician, he filled out a form that said:
"KayTar has no birth defects/congenital/genetic/metabolic/or developmental abnormalities.
She has no conditions requiring therapies (speech, occupational, physical, or psychological).
She has no conditions requiring a specialist referral or consultation.
She has no conditions requiring a hospital stay, outpatient procedure, or surgery.
She is on no daily medications.
She has no medical conditions or illnesses requiring ongoing follow-ups."
Do you see what I mean about disregarding everything? It worries me that the man is still treating children, and more kiddos like KayTar are falling through the cracks. He might be a good doctor, but he isn't a good pediatrician. Josh doesn't get fired up often...but I don't think he's going to let go of this one.
On a lighter note, here is a picture of my BubTar from the land of yesteryear, all chubbly-bubbly and beautiful:
And one more of my very favorite part of the video, the meeting of BubTar and KayTar: