I cleaned the living room, the bathroom, the kids' rooms.
I did laundry.
I played Potato Head, trains, dollhouse.
I read books.
I emailed a few people just to say hello.
These things sound ordinary, but they aren't. These are things I haven't felt like doing in months, it seems. I've been doing them, half-heartedly, because life demands it be done. Kids must be fed, clothed, read to, played with. House must be tidied, cleaned. Laundry must be washed. Studying must be done, even if only in a OH-MY-GOD-I'VE-PUT-THIS-OFF-TOO-LONG-AND-MUST-CRAM-NOW sort of way. Emails have to be sent, replied to. Life has to happen, whether you feel up to it or not.
But yesterday, I woke up and instead of plugging myself into the computer straightaway, I cleaned up. I felt like getting things done. I felt like being social. I felt like playing. I felt GOOD. I didn't realize that I haven't felt that way in a long while, until I felt it again. I've had this bezoar in my gut for months now; stress, anxiety, fear, grief...compressed and twisted and turned into something almost unrecognizable, something I didn't want to recognize, really.
I've distracted myself, focused on things that don't matter. I've avoided talking to people for fear of having to acknowledge my emotions or see them mirrored in someone else. Of course, you can't avoid everyone all the time...when forced to update someone or fill them in on things, I limited myself to very factual and flippant statements, "Yeah, she's getting a g-button installed, you know, like a tiny gas pump...fill 'er up and go." I didn't want to see concern reflected in their faces. I didn't want to process my own concern, much less soothe someone else's. I couldn't study, because I simply couldn't focus. I've used this space as a pressure release valve, I've let off exactly enough emotion to keep it from exploding all over the place.
I don't know exactly how long it has been happening, I wasn't even aware of any of it until yesterday. My heart was war torn, ravaged by the years filled with recurrent battles of nutrition and hydration, broken by the perceived defeat of surrender. The reality of this surgery has so far surpassed my hopes while simultaneously nullifying so many fears that my head has finally cleared. Yesterday, I felt genuinely good for no reason at all, except that the hardened lump of fears and anxieties that has been fossilizing in my belly for such a long time was suddenly nowhere to be found.