When I walked into her room, I heard her saying, "I sowwy KayTar. I so sowwy. MomMom? I so sowwy KayTar." And then I knew, someone had hurt her. The only time she apologizes to herself is when she has been injured.
I peered into her crib and found her wide-eyed with fear.
"MomMom. No bed. No sweeping. With me or not?"
"Baby, it is sleep time."
Her eyes widen farther, her body is rigid. "No! No sleeping! Peeease? With me or not?"
"Okay, do you want to go to Mommy's bed?" She never sleeps in Mommy's bed.
"MomMom bed. With me or not?"
I gathered her bedtime necessities and filled a bottle. When we got to my bed, she snuggled right in against my body. She propped her bottle on my chest in some strange mimicry of her nursing days. She sighed and settled, then closed her eyes.*
I am instantly reminded of the hospital. The only other time in her life that she has allowed me to sleep next to her was while we were inpatient for her EEG. She needs her own space at nighttime and truth be told, so do I. But while we were hospitalized, we were all we had of home. I wasn't just her Mommy, I was her house, her bedroom, even her crib. I was her safe place. And again last night, I was her safe place for a bit.
I laid awake, watching her, wondering what she had dreamed of that scared her so. Perhaps it was that very hospitalization. Or a scary test. Or doctors. Or nurses. Or pain. Or sunlight. Or none of those things, perhaps it was a monster completely created in her own imagination. But as I laid there and sifted through all the real-life causes for her fear, I couldn't help but pull her a little closer and whisper a prayer that soon she wouldn't have quite so much to fear.**
* She didn't stay asleep in my bed for long, once she had slept the sharpest edge of fear off, she realized she was in close proximity to another person and woke. We were up for several hours. Fun times.
** Friday I spoke with the genetic counselor. Her test results aren't in yet. The counselor will be out of the office all week next week except for Tuesday, so if I don't hear Tuesday, it will be at least another week without news.