Sunday, October 28, 2007


I was woke to sharp cries over the monitor. I laid in bed for a moment, waiting to see if Josh might respond before heading towards her room. On the way, I thought about how strange it was to wake to cries rather than the "MomMom! Dat!" that she has come to use so often.

When I walked into her room, I heard her saying, "I sowwy KayTar. I so sowwy. MomMom? I so sowwy KayTar." And then I knew, someone had hurt her. The only time she apologizes to herself is when she has been injured.

I peered into her crib and found her wide-eyed with fear.

"MomMom. No bed. No sweeping. With me or not?"

"Baby, it is sleep time."

Her eyes widen farther, her body is rigid. "No! No sleeping! Peeease? With me or not?"

"Okay, do you want to go to Mommy's bed?" She never sleeps in Mommy's bed.

"MomMom bed. With me or not?"

I gathered her bedtime necessities and filled a bottle. When we got to my bed, she snuggled right in against my body. She propped her bottle on my chest in some strange mimicry of her nursing days. She sighed and settled, then closed her eyes.*

I am instantly reminded of the hospital. The only other time in her life that she has allowed me to sleep next to her was while we were inpatient for her EEG. She needs her own space at nighttime and truth be told, so do I. But while we were hospitalized, we were all we had of home. I wasn't just her Mommy, I was her house, her bedroom, even her crib. I was her safe place. And again last night, I was her safe place for a bit.

I laid awake, watching her, wondering what she had dreamed of that scared her so. Perhaps it was that very hospitalization. Or a scary test. Or doctors. Or nurses. Or pain. Or sunlight. Or none of those things, perhaps it was a monster completely created in her own imagination. But as I laid there and sifted through all the real-life causes for her fear, I couldn't help but pull her a little closer and whisper a prayer that soon she wouldn't have quite so much to fear.**

Yesterday at the park. She's had roughly a week's worth of beautiful sunshine-filled days and we are so very pleased.

* She didn't stay asleep in my bed for long, once she had slept the sharpest edge of fear off, she realized she was in close proximity to another person and woke. We were up for several hours. Fun times.

** Friday I spoke with the genetic counselor. Her test results aren't in yet. The counselor will be out of the office all week next week except for Tuesday, so if I don't hear Tuesday, it will be at least another week without news.


S said...

Oh poor sweet girl. I hope the fear wasn't even a memory by this morning.

Girlplustwo said...

oh honey. it's those middle of the night horrors that are so hard, that make me feel the smallest.

i hope you can both take it easy today. i'll be thinking of you.

moplans said...

Poor girls. I hope tonight is better and I hope you get some news Tuesday. Waiting stinks.

Anonymous said...

I can't believe she's been outside in the sun for a few days, that's spectacular! Tuesday's a big day for us, hopefully it will be for you as well.

Family Adventure said...

Oh, Kyla, she is the loveliest little girl! She is apologizing to herself! It breaks my heart.

I really hope you get those answers on Tuesday.

And I'm glad she's been enjoying the outdoors. That's a beautiful picture.


Katie said...

poor, Kaytar, that breaks my heart Kyla. ((Hugs))

InTheFastLane said...

That made me cry - because thinking of children being hurt, real or imagined, makes me cry.

Ben and Bennie said...

I often wonder if Ben gets awakened by terrors in the night. Those times that he startles awake make me think he's remembering an IV stick, or a high fever, or any other of a thousand things that were painful in a hospital visit.

I'm very happy that she's doing better with the sunshine days!

Anonymous said...

Those damn night terrors.

It's so hard to not be able to protect them from their own little minds.

flutter said...

There are times, even as an adult that I wish I had my mom to chase away my dreams.

Poor baby girl. I just want her well for you.

crazymumma said...

The damned waiting you have to go through.

Night terrors can be so pronounced in those dark nights. Poor thing.

PJ said...

Bless little KayTar. She works so hard to be a big girl!! I hate it when we can't protect them from their own fear -- and don't even know what's scary. That's the hard part. (Being up half the night runs a close second!) Prayers! That you will find some answers--soon!


Anonymous said...

I hate those middle of the night terrors.

Keep well.

Big hugs.

Julie Pippert said...

Hon. My heart broke for you two in that moment. (HUGS)

Using My Words

Sharon L. Holland said...

This was a beautiful post. I remember having terrible nightmares as a child, and I longed to sleep with my mom the way you let her sleep with you.

Janet said...

I never sleep as well with little bodies in my bed. But when they are sick or have bad dreams haunting their subconscious, I want them as close to me as possible. Strange how that mothering instinct kicks into overdrive when they truly need us.

Junie's Blog said...

The only time she apologizes to herself is when she has been injured.
What a heartbreaking statement. Poor sweet thing. I hope you hear soon.

Run ANC said...

Is it very selfish to like being some little person's "safe place"? I like being that for the Boy. Just hate the fact that it means he's upset or hurt.

Here's hoping you hear on Tuesday.

Aliki2006 said...

Poor girl--let's hope there's news soon, and restful dreams.

Christine said...

"I was her safe place."

you always will be.

kyla, i am always so impressed by your loving kindness to your sweet children. what a good mama you are.

Sarah said...

Poor sweety. I hate bad dreams. I always try to ask about nightmares, but rarely do they want to talk about it.

motherbumper said...

Here's hoping for news on Tuesday.

I'm glad she has such loving parents to comfort her during the nightmares. (You know I'm big on my space too but there is something about the "need" that makes the cuddling so much more comfortable).

Mimi said...

Ohh. How terrible for everyone. At least she can a) express her fears and b) let you help her comfort them.

Mad said...

Oh, those early nightmares are so overwhelming for them. I'm glad that the fear began to dissipate quickly.

ms blue said...

I sometimes just want to freeze those cuddle, safe moments.

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow with my fingers crossed.

Chaotic Joy said...

Poor little Kaytar. I hope she didn't really remember it this morning.