Wednesday, October 24, 2007

circles within circles

I had intended to do and Now and Then type photo for Wordless Wednesday, because sweet KayTar is wearing the same cold weather clothes she was wearing last year, but when I went through my October 2006 photo file, I noticed there were none for this week. Then I remembered, this was the week we went to Orlando, the photos are on the laptop we took with us. This was the week we waited for KayTar's MRI results. This was the week we got KayTar's MRI results. This was the week that fear consumed me. And because life tends to come full circle in these poetic ways, this year we are also spending this week waiting on some very important test results.

We had the MRI on Friday the 20th and left to go out of town on Sunday the 22nd. In the parking garage at the airport, KayTar started having an episode. I still can't reread these posts without my stomach dropping out and my limbs turning to jello. It has been a year and I can still feel that frozen terror.


I stopped writing right here to go take KayTar to therapy. When we got outside, she was clearly bothered by the sunlight, but she also went a little limp on me. I loaded her in and off we drove. I kept an eye on her in the rearview mirror and by the time I hit the first stoplight I was calling Josh for a second opinion. "She seems a little off, should we cancel therapy? Nothing is happening, it is just a feeling." and he said, "Go home." As soon as I turned around, it started. The moaning, the "eyes hurt", the retching.

When we got home she didn't want to be put down, so while holding her, I sat at my desk to locate the therapist's phone number so I could cancel, and the ped's pager number to find out if we should try for an EEG. Now, I'm stuck here in my computer chair, covered in a few coats of vomit, typing one handed in the dark. Every time I move, even to shift positions, she starts vomiting again. So here I'll stay until she feels better or my bladder hits critical mass. I am fairly certain it will be the latter that comes first. I had quite a bit of coffee this morning. But vomit covered or no, I'll sit still for as long as I can manage to provide some modicum of comfort while she endures this. It is the least I can do for my poor sweet girl.

Poetic circles of life, no? I think those posts from last year still make my stomach drop and my limbs turn to jello is because I still experience those feelings every time this happens to her. You never really get used to your child being in such unbearable and unnecessary pain. It is completely at odds with the visceral maternal drive to protect your young at all costs. How do you protect them when the predator is their very own body?

I can't help but wonder what might have happened today if I had begun a wholly unrelated post this morning or had just chosen to post a WW photo like I had intended. Would we still be snuggled painfully together in the desk chair or would our day look something more like this?

It has been one month and one day since her last, it looks as though that 69 day break was a fluke after all. Oh, how I wish it wasn't.


Kellan said...

Poor KayTar. I am sorry she is going through all this and sorry you are going through it as well. But I am glad she has you to hold onto - she is very lucky. What a precious photo and what a precious darling little girl! See ya.

Becca said...

Poor kiddo! And poor Kyla! I hope you get a good diagnosis really soon and can start working on getting her better.

Family Adventure said...

I'm really sorry. You must be so disappointed. How heartbreaking for your little baby. I hope you get some answers soon, so you can start the process of healing her.

I love that picture. You just would never know that those eyes have experienced so much pain.

- Heidi

motherbumper said...

Oh how I wish it wasn't a fluke also...

"How do you protect them when the predator is their very own body?" really struck me down Kyla. Your words are so powerful even when you feel a bit powerless.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry, Kyla. I hope KayTar is feeling better soon.

Sarah said...

That sweet girls breaks my heart.

Mimi said...

I'm so sorry for everything: the jello limb memory, the vomit, the pain that KayTar is in, you both stuck in teh dark, always in the dark waiting.

I hope the news that is coming will set you on a path that leads out of this cycle.

Katie said...

"You never really get used to your child being in such unbearable and unnecessary pain."


Thinking of you all this afternoon and wishing you could be outside joyfully playing instead.

Christine said...

oh kaytar.

this has got to be so so had to handle sometimes, love.

Amy said...

My heart aches for you and for sweet Kaytar.

"How do you protect them when the predator is their very own body?"

This sentence really stuck with me because as a parent all we want to do is protect our children. And not being able to protect them has to be the absolute worst feeling. I am so sorry Kyla.

Big Hugs

Janet said...

Oh the complete and utter suckage. I'm sorry.

Beck said...

This hurt to read. I can't imagine what it's like to live through it.
I'm really sorry.

anon said...

I'm so sorry Kyla. Hugs and kisses to poor Katie.

Man...this sucks.


PJ said...

I'm so sorry! Little KayTar has earned extra stars in her crown, for sure!! (You've chalked up a few too!)

Blessings and prayers,


Girlplustwo said...

oh honey. oh, KayTar.

oh, you. the graceful, powerful you.

moplans said...

Oh Kyla I am so sorry.
Poor KayTar.
Poor mummy.

Anonymous said...

Damn, damn, damn.

I wish you were here so I could give you a giant hug.

I know it's not much but know that I'm always here to help, even if it's just having me come over to hold K while you pee. I'm good with vomit.

Junie's Blog said...

What a day. Not what you expect ever in a day . . . HUGS to you and Kaytar!

Kristin said...

I'm sorry this happened again today...and since you didn't post again I can assume you didn't get any news from the LP the other day? Bummer. But I know you were expecting that too.

I just feel so bad for KayTar. Why is this her life right now? Why? I pray for her often, Kyla.'s nice to read back on some of those things. I haven't been with you on the blog for this whole Journey and it's interesting that this is the anniversary week of some of that other stuff.

It's been too long already.

And your doctor rocks...does she perhaps have any medical friends in...say...the Denver area? :)

Run ANC said...

It must be so awfully frustrating to feel like you've come so far, yet are back in the same place. Thinking of you and darling Kaytar.

~aj~ said...

Not exactly how you planned to spend the day, huh. I hate that KayTar went through another episode. I just want to scoop her up and give her a big ole hug (and let you get a shower in the meantime!). Hope she is much better this evening!

flutter said...

Oh Kyla, me too, me too.

Julie Pippert said...

Oh Kyla. This is one circle nobody wanted.

I am so sorry that has happened.

Oh so sorry.

Hang in theres for all of you.

You call if you need, promise?

Using My Words