I had stopped thinking about it, stopped wondering every day, "Is this the day?" I even felt far enough removed from it that yesterday I discussed how long it had been. I didn't even know how many days exactly, because I had stopped counting. We used to live by the calendar. Every 15 days we knew what would soon be happening. A long break is deceiving, it tricks you into thinking it might all be over. I know all about the medical jinx, but my hope just got away from me.
She's had pretty concentrated eye deviations for the past 5 days, but we don't even know what those are. We're still waiting on the EEG results from a month ago.
Tonight, we went to eat dinner with Josh's family. KayTar was having a blast running around (well, her version of running) with BubTar and Josh's littlest sister. She was being social and silly and fun, all the things she should be. Then she walked into the living room, her eyes darted up and over, like that have done so many times this week, and she slowly fell to her knees. She laid her head on the carpet, bending as though she might be in prayer. She stayed there for a moment and then she stood up and drunkenly staggered to me. Her limbs were uncoordinated and her gait was choppy and much wider than normal. She collapsed into my arms and squeezed me, nuzzling her head into my shoulder. She held on for dear life for another minute or two and then got down. She sat on the floor and played with a toy, but soon slumped over and wanted to be held.
"Do you need me to hold you?"
"Hold you?" Her drunken eyes flitted up toward my face and she tried to raise her arms.
I held her and she burrowed in once more. She broke out in a sweat, her whole head suddenly damp, and her eyes started rolling. She was having difficulty opening them and keeping them open. She was incoherent. She started to gag and whimper, she couldn't lift her head. My in-laws packed up dinner for us and we left. KayTar cried and vomited on the way home. She asked for a napkin for her face, poor dear.
We gave her medicine when we got home, and after emptying her stomach, she fell asleep. She is resting here in the dark beside me right now. I just hope she can sleep through.