There is a point when you know your strength might fail you. For me, my brief panic attack reminded me that perhaps I can't do this all on my own. Without you, my dear Internets, I would not have an outlet for the emotional portion of this journey. I feel unable to discuss the feelings attached to the events unfolding in my life with those actually present in my life. If I do have a particularly low moment and reach out for a helping hand, I am always met with a well-meaning response that is of no value to me. People say things like, "God is in control." You all don't know me that well, but I do believe God is in control....but I also know that it doesn't keep crappy things from happening in our lives. Really.Crappy.Things. God being in control doesn't change the fact that something is wrong with my baby, and nobody knows what it is. People are also fond of saying "Everything will be fine." Unless they are human MRI machines (how cool would THAT be?!?), who are also trained on reading the MRI results, then they cannot tell me everything is fine. It feels so patronizing. I think I'd prefer "Suck it up and deal.", because at least it is HONEST. Or "I don't know what to say." Or "I'm thinking of you." Or "I can imagine it is difficult." The point is, they don't have to say anything; I just need them to listen. But the things they choose to say shuts the door on any further communication.
Let me clear something up, I am not walking around with a bleeding heart, shoving it in people's faces. I am talking about people who in the past have been great sources of emotional support for me, and now that I need the support the most, it isn't there. I am not talking about crying in front of people (Lord, no.), I am talking about calling someone very close to me and saying "I'm kind of freaking out here." and being met with what is a well-meaning, but semi-crushing response.
I worry, because I do feel like perhaps the strength is starting to run out. If I am met with crushing news at the end of all of this waiting, I don't know how I will handle it, if all my strength has been used up already.
PS- Thanks for looking at my bleeding heart every time I shove it in your faces, you guys are the best. ;)