Wednesday, November 07, 2007

I got nothing.

Yeah. Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zilch.

40! DAYS!

It is actually quite nice except for the whole mind game portion.

I was kind of bluffing about the whole 40 day doctor thing, because "There's NO WAY I'll make it 40 days! I took pregnancy tests and posted them on the Internet! That is akin to the doing a ritualistic Period Dance." And yet. Hello, Day 40. Damn.

Josh has two theories.

1. His sleeping self and my sleeping self had unprotected sex, unbeknownst to our conscious selves. Doubtful. And kind of creepy, right? But it also sounds like a great way to multi-task.

2. I am currently on my period and "JUST DON'T KNOW IT, BECAUSE IT IS REALLY LIGHT."
I said, "Light like INVISIBLE?!" and he said, "Sure. Light like invisible." And I said, "Yeah, maybe I'm on my invisible period ALL THE TIME and I just don't know it!" And he said, "Don't ask me. It is YOUR invisible period. What do I know about it?"

Yeah, he's a funny guy.


Last night I rocked KayTar to sleep. I rocked my almost three year old to sleep. The last time I rocked her to sleep (when she wasn't being sedated for something) was when she was about this age:

About 6 months old

Just for comparison's sake, here is a repeat of yesterday's photo:

32 months old

That is to say, it has been quite a while. I've tried during various rough nights, but she always just wants to talk and play with me. Rocking does not settle her into sleep. She doesn't crave it.

Last night, we tucked her in, and this girl who puts herself to sleep nightly cried out. The same cry as last night. Josh went in and tried to Stern Daddy bit, it didn't fly. I went in, scooped her up, and sang a bit to her per her request. Then I went to set her back into the crib like last night and she panicked. I wasn't even out the door. I was still touching her, in fact, and she couldn't calm down. So I picked her up again and swayed around the room with her in my arms. She wrapped her arm so tightly round my neck that it was almost uncomfortable. When it would slip, she would wake, panicked, thinking I had gone. We did this until my arms felt like they would give out. We might have to keep a close eye on her weight, but a toddler is a toddler and they are a bit heavy. So I said, "Baby, can I take you to the rocking chair?" "A rock. A chair. Yes, MomMom." So I did.

She wrapped herself so tightly around me. She put her arms between my arms and my body. She slid her feet behind me in the chair. She nestled her head so it was pinned between my chin and chest. And she settled and slept. But every time her body relaxed, she would jerk awake and grab for part of me, my shirt, my nose, my hand. She had to have part of me in her hand, then she'd slip back to sleep. I rocked her for a while, waiting for it to stop, waiting for her to be in a deep sleep, but it never came. She started to feel cramped in that too small rocking chair and needed her own body space to sleep properly...but she didn't want to let me go. I kept rocking until it became clear she'd never get into a deep sleep without space to move and we went back to the crib. She freaked out and Josh was finally able to soothe her to sleep. Finally.

I got her test results this morning, while writing this actually. They came back normal. I don't know what it means. But we can't do this. They are going to want to do more tests and we just can't do that to her right now. She can't even sleep. The poor baby can't even fall asleep at night.

Last night when Josh and I fell into bed, he said, "Do you think we waited too long? Do you think it was too much and we should have put a stop to it sooner? Do you think it did damage?"

And I said, "I hope not, babe."

I really hope not.


Chrissy said...

It's so cute that she's in the same chair for both pictures. It makes her look like such a big girl!

It's really a good thing you guys decided to take a break from the doctors. I bet you need it as much as she does.

Mad said...

Oh Kyla. Oh.

S said...

First of all, this..

But it also sounds like a great way to multi-task.

...made me spill my coffee.

As for the other part of your post, the poignant part, I can only offer up my experience as a really sick preemie. I was only 2 pounds when I was born, and I was really sick for the first three years of my life. So sick that I had more than one exploratory surgery. My intestines weren't fully developed, and I couldn't process food. I was always throwing up, always at the doctor, always having tests.

And it's OK. It's just something that happened to me. Freud did some damage when he suggested that children repress traumatic memories. They don't. In fact, they have excellent memories for painful experiences. That might make you sad, but it shouldn't. If she remembers all of this, she will be able to process it so much more healthfully later.

My advice? Keep talking to her, keep listening, and later, when she's six, or eight, or ten, prod her memory. "Do you remember...?" It needs to continue to be a topic of conversation.

She's a strong, brave girl. She'll be fine.

Family Adventure said...

Kyla, kids are so resilient. She will bounce back. You did not wait too late. But I think that you are right to stop it now. She definitely, truly, honestly needs a break. Let her not go to a doctor for a while. Maybe until after Xmas, like you suggested?

Oh, and your period? I got it. This morning. Unexpected and waaaay too early for me. Gotta be yours, right?

Get yourself to a doctor!!


Chaotic Joy said...

We did the no more doctors, no more therapists for Ben thing for like 3 months (to preserve his and my sanity) and saw very positive results from it, although I have to admit his issues are nowhere near as intensive or as varied as Kaytars. Poor sweet big girl. I really think she will be just fine. She has a great mommy looking out for her.

moplans said...

Clearly I have a lot to learn about multi-tasking from you and Josh.

KayTar looks so sweet squished into her baby seat.

I am so sorry you all had such a rough night. I loved slouching moms voice of experience here. Kids are very resilient. She will recover.

Amy said...

Katie will be just fine. Don't worry yourself by thinking yall did damage, because you didn't. You are doing what you think is best for your child. You are a great mother Kyla who is doing a pretty damn good job at this parenting thing!!!

And let me tell you I laughed so hard about Josh's theories!! MEN!

Call the doc woman!

Anonymous said...

Hi Kyla-
I lurk here more than I comment- but I just wanted to add an alternative theory that maybe KayTar is just going through one of those stages of regressing a bit before she goes on to master some more devolpmental milestones and independence (this is common for many kids). Of course this is compounded by all the doctor visits- but she sounds so securely attached to you and Josh and knows where she can come for comfort and security- that I don't think you need to worry about any permanent damage being done by all those exams. (An extended holiday break from appointments sounds great though!)

Beck said...

It IS possible to skip a period, you know.
AS for your poor little girl - you guys are loving, loving parents and that alone helps make up for almost any amount of scariness in the rest of the world. But oh, my heart. Hold her tight.

Janet said...

I remember, last January, listening to Elyse scream and scream in the ER as two nurses tried to insert a catheter in her to collect a clean urine sample. In the end, after 15 minutes of clutching-my-heart-in-a-vice-grip screaming, they couldn't do it. I still feel twitchy when I think about it.

It must be so difficult for you to watch her react to all of the procedures. But in the end your love and devotion will overshadow all in her mind. I'm certain of it.

Anonymous said...

I skipped my period two summers ago when I was staying with my sister. Absolutely skipped it. Then it came the following month after a month of PMSing.

if you were a little stressed when you were supposed to be ovulating, your body could have just skipped it all together.

As far as KayTar and the doctors both of my girls went through a few phases where they had issues with doctors. It may not entirely be based on her experiences. It could be partly developmental.

She's beginning to be able to articulate how she feels about it all. That's a good thing. Talk her through everything. That will help immensely.

Anonymous said...

By the way, can we all sign up for the invisible period. Sounds good.

Julie Pippert said...

Kyla, #1 ACK LOL!!!!

And KayTar. Honey. Why don't you guys come over.

I am intrigued by the idea that she is regressing before a leap. P2 is doing that right now.

However, she currently only answers to Princess Halloween.

And stress affects your pituitary which might have caused to not send the message to ovulate. Again, I say watch for any painful twinges near your hipbones, in the front.

Sweet KayTar.

And I love what SM wrote.

(HUGS) and email for a time, okay?

Using My Words

kittenpie said...

Oh, honey. I've been away from blogs for a few days being sick, and I missed so much. Gah. I hope you get the answer you want on the period (though I will tell you, mine has been known to be a week late when really, really stressed, and you never know, it could be?).

And I'm sorry to hear that the tests aren't showing anything for the simple reason that at least you'd know where to go from there. I don't know how you keep going, Kyla, but you are one amazing lady. Hugs from the north.

Aliki2006 said...

Hugs to ALL of you...

I'm with Beck--it is possible to skip a period--it happens, even to the most regular of us.

My heart breaks for KayTar--I do think she'll be okay, and a break from the doctors is just what's needed.

Bea said...

Which test results were these? Is this the one that can confirm but not rule out? Or is the repeated test of the original test that suggested the diagnosis in the first place?

motherbumper said...

How frustrating all around - seriously, this is not right.

And where do I get me one of those invisible periods?

flutter said...

Invisible period, indeed.

Oh but babe, I just wish I had something more to say than just Oh, babygirl.

Junie's Blog said...

Wow! So af is still MIA? Craziness!!!

Those pictures are just heartbreaking! I'm so sad Kaytar is at her breaking point. I hope the break does everyone a world of good.

Girlplustwo said...

oh babe.

honey. you've done it all the best you could in the best way you know. and it's all going to be ok.

crazymumma said...

I think children are remarkeably resilient. She went through all of her tests with such huge support and love. And you are able to just keep giving to her.

so no. I do not think you did any lasting damage. if she does remember much (and it IS amazing how much they forget), she will be able to talk to you about it and together you will work through it.

Negative on the stick huh? Those sticks are pretty damn sensitive. I would think if you were pregnant it would show....

Anonymous said...

I love the way Kaytar verbalizes, things like "a rock. a chair." just slay me.

We spent the day at children's hospital and I though of little Kaytar and her momma several times. I wish she had Ethan's high tolerance to pain, he literally doesn't feel most of what they do to him and has therefore never experienced fear. If only we could bottle that and send it your way.

Josh is feckin' hiliarous by the way!

~aj~ said...

Very funny, heartwarming and sad post.

Your AF is such a mystery to me, and I think Josh's explanations were quite comical.

I just hate that KayTar is feeling so insecure right now. You're doing all you can do--holding her, comfoting her, and giving her a break from all of this. I have no doubts she is going to go back to being her easy-going self. She just needs to know that life can be fun again. I'm excited about the next few weeks for you guys!

cinnamon gurl said...

That's what Swee'pea does when he's sick, that never falling into a deep enough sleep, always needing to have a hand on me.

I don't think it's too late. She's strong, but you guys are so doing the right thing.

And I'm so sorry you're still without answers.

Sarah said...

I wish I could give you the biggest hug you have every gotten, right now!

Prayers for KayTar, for you, for your family.