A month ago, when Josh and I decided I should stay home with the kids, it was a temporary arrangement. "Just until KayTar is caught up." is what we said. Last night I realized, it might not just be a year, and for the first time I realized I will miss it.
It's not that I love my job SO much, or that I don't LOVE being here with the kids...it's that “my" life is gone. I know that is silly and selfish, and in all honesty I don't mind it as much as I imagined I would. It is just so different. I've lost my social life altogether. When I worked, the kids were in daycare at my facility, so I was able to see them during my free time throughout the day, but I was also able to be an adult for several hours a day. I could discuss things other than Larry Boy’s super suction ears, or which Wiggle's songs are boring. I miss that part, the adult interaction.
I'm also a member of a birth club bulletin board. I've been posting since before KayTar was even born. Lately, I feel less and less a part of things there. Our life with KayTar is just so different than what the other parents are going through. I watch videos of children naming body parts, or drawing faces and it floors me. I see picture of them running around, playing ball, and I can't believe it. These kids are KayTar's age? No way. Josh says things like "Get off of there, you're just depressing yourself." but I'm not. Its not upsetting to see the wonderful things these other children can do. The problem is we don't have much in common anymore. I have made wonderful friends there, which is the main reason I keep visiting and posting as much as I can, but I feel like that time in my life is also slipping away.
I think these are the main reasons I've begun my foray into blogland. I'm hoping to find parents to share this new life with, in a place where we aren't only brought together by our similarities, but also by our differences. The journey is long, and it's nice to be in good company.
This post is so thoughtful and lovely. I think being a mother sometimes feels like being a pioneer--you have to forge your own path and that sometimes feels lonely, no matter how many people out there traveling the land, too. That goes with work too. No one can tell what the right balance between work and home is. You have to figure out what works for you and your situation.
I'm here to listen.
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