I know that I've changed, though. I started this blog at a point of helplessness. I had lost control over everything. I had recently discovered that things weren't right with KayTar and had dropped everything to pursue answers. We knew little to nothing. Those first posts make me laugh a bit now...with my rosy cheeks and optimism, so sure answers were right around the bend. At the same time I'm sad for that girl...the one who had her hopes raised so many times, just to watch them fall again. She just didn't know. I know more now; much, much more than I'd ever thought possible. I have enough experience to know things don't always go how you'd like and answers are elusive. Questions sometimes are not answered. Hopes are sometimes dashed. But I've also how to navigate these situations, how to persevere, how to keep myself from drowning in it all. This blog has given me the space to honestly process my reactions and feelings through this tumultuous time in our lives. It has taught me to work through my emotions and continue on. It has become a record of our journey. It has been key in making this new life of ours something I can enjoy and find beauty in, every day. It has given me a community of beautiful, smart, intelligent, caring, supportive women (and men, Hi Bennie!) that have carried me though even the toughest times. I can't imagine not having you all with me, even if we are reduced to words on a screen. Words can be powerful, and you all know how to wield them with skill. You have been my friends, confidants, sounding boards, and cheerleaders. I've needed that this year.
One year later, we might still be waiting on those same answers, but it is so much easier waiting in such good company.