Friday, March 14, 2008


We were at part two of her autism evaluation.

I was watching her play with the psychologist and then she stopped.

She looked up and she stopped responding.

She whined and rubbed her eyes.

I stopped breathing.

She looked at me and whined again, but then her eyes danced away.

She put her head on the table.

My heart raced.

"I think she's having one of her episodes."

We watched her, unsure, as always. Is this really it?

I heard people talking, "Did you see how eye contact completely changed?" "Yes, her whole demeanor changed."

I watched her, tried to engage her. She responded, weakly. She pointed at the toys, but she was too weak to even raise her head.

We left with promises of rescheduling.

As we walked to the car, she whined and retched.

I tried to ask her questions, reassure her. She tried to respond, but all that came out was gibberish, mumbles and groans.

The ride home was uneventful, a bit of groaning and moaning, more retching.

We walked in the house, I went for her medication.

After giving it, I put her in the sick seat.

She cried, vomited bile from her wee empty stomach, and fell asleep.

She's resting now, beside me in her sick seat, occasionally stirring and crying out, letting me know that she is about to vomit again.

I go to her quickly, hold her head over the basin and whisper soothing words to her. I don't know if she understands me or even hears me.

I worry and I wait, willing her to return to me, always hoping that this might be the last time I have to watch her slip away, the last time I have to watch her tiny body be wracked with pain* that threatens to swallow her whole, the last time I have to wonder if she truly will come back to me.

* Thankfully, this one is not that painful. She is resting comfortably in between bouts of illness, but I'm always worrying about the next time.

ETA: It's over. 8:45am-5pm. About 8 hours.


~aj~ said...

So, so sorry! You describe the situation so well, I feel like I can just see (and almost feel) what KayTar is going through. I know it's so hard. Hugs to you, Kyla!

Unknown said...

oh Kyla, I'm thinking of you & Kaytar today.

metro mama said...

Oh, honey. ((hugs))

InTheFastLane said...

As bad as it is, it seems like it might be good for someone else to see it.

I know they have already checked for this, but the way you described it reminded me so much of Dash's last seizure.

Mad said...

Damn. Damn. Damn. I hoped, just hoped, you know, that the end of the episodes had come.

Family Adventure said...

I'm sorry Kyla. My thoughts are with you.


Anonymous said...

Oh, no. These episodes sound so scary. Poor sweet KayTar. Poor you. I hope that it passes quickly.

I'm so glad you were with her.

I'll be thinking of you both.

Sandra said...

Sending all my love to you and KayTar today.

Aliki2006 said...

I am so so sorry it's happened again. I hope the rescheduling doesn't throw things off too much.

Hugs to all of you...

Becca said...

I'm so sorry. That sounds really scary.

Janet said...

Oh no! Just the title of the post gave me a feeling of dread.

I hope she recovers quickly.

Kristin said...

How is it possible that your writing about it makes ME stop breathing too? You have a talent.

But, I'm very very sorry that day 73 has become her new record. And how did you KNOW it would happen during her eval? How?

I'm glad it's "less painful" this time but still, poor baby girl. I wish this never had to happen.

Girlplustwo said...

oh honey.

Lee Laughlin said...

Damn! 4 day longer than last time. Such an odd phenomenon. I too am glad that others saw it, but I'm sorry it had to happen at all. Peace to all of you this weekend.

Run ANC said...

Oh honey, I'm sorry you have to go through that. I wish to God that I could help somehow.

PJ said...

Prayers for you and Kaytar. Your descriptions are sooo real. I feel as though I were there. I'd have to agree, though, as difficult as this is, it was good for the psychologist to see that complete change. One of these days, these episodes will be over. Just hang in there!!

Julie said...

Oh my heart aches. I so wish this little one did not have to go through all this.

Is the silver lining here that at least the evaluators got to see the onset of an episode? Could that be helpful on some level?

mommamia said...

I'm so sorry that both of you are having to go through this. Hugs to both of you.

crazymumma said...

oh wee sweetness. what brings this on?

crazymumma said...

and, I've been away and just caught up.

can 73 be considered an improvement? A step forward? Praying with you in my own weird way.

Em said...

Poor little mite. poor you. a big hug for you both.


flutter said...

You know I was thinking of her today, when I was at the neurologist. I kept praying they would find something to help her so she wouldn't be like me when she was grown.


Poor girl.

S said...

oh, you. oh, kaytar.


try to enjoy your road trip, hear?

OhTheJoys said...

Just here not knowing what to say but thinking of you.


Christine said...

oh crap.

the picture of little kaytar so sad and ill makes my eyes tear up.

Running on empty

Betsy, short for Elizabeth, formally known as Esther said...

Your strength and description of KayTar, of it

You. must. go. to. medical. school.

kittenpie said...

Oh, Kyla. Just reading aqbout it is scary and painful. I'm sorry this is what you have to do, but I know you have it in you. Amazingly, because mothers both can't stand being there and have to be there. Hugs to both of you, and I'm wishing with you that it's the last time.