I've had this weight on my chest for a week now.
Squishing my internal organs,
Making it nearly impossible to think of anything else.
Though, the full weight of it was not yet upon me, one silvery strand of hope kept it from crushing me completely. Yesterday, the strand was cut.
I was crushed. I am crushed.
I cried. Tears prickling in my eyes only adds insult to injury. The world is out of my control and now my emotions are, too.
By the time Josh got home, the moment of weakness was a glimmer in a distant past, hours had gone by...but he saw it there. He saw me, only I wasn't quite myself.
"What is wrong?"
Everything. Everything seems wrong.
"You know what is wrong."
"What can I do?"
You could lift this crushing weight from my chest.
"Nothing. You and I both know there is nothing else to be done. We've tried it all before."
"Are you upset with me?"
Not unless you are calling the shots for the Universe, buddy.
"No, you have nothing to do with it. You know that."
He can't take this. He wants to be responsible, to take the brunt of my pain somehow. If he is responsible, then he can apologize, he can fix things.
I long to fix the situation and he longs to fix me.
He works at it all evening, at one point I stop him, "I can't just be happy to make you feel better. I know you want to fix this for me, but you can't. It is what it is and I can't get past it yet. I just can't."
He kisses me on the head and says, "Okay." But somehow, minutes later, I find myself smiling at him, laughing a little even. I crack a joke about this shitty hand we've been dealt, again, we both laugh.
He and I, in it together.
The weight suddenly spread between us, light enough for me to catch my breath again, at least for the moment.
The weight is this: It seems quite certain that KayTar is losing her insurance again. It is a long story, one that I won't give the details of until it is said and done. A small part of me believes there will be a reprieve this time, that we won't be living this all over again, but the logical part of me knows...there is no reprieve, and we are already living this again. Only this time, I think we really have exhausted all the options.
This little blip will probably be deleted shortly.