Thursday, December 04, 2008

Heavy.

I've had this weight on my chest for a week now.

Pressing down,

Squishing my internal organs,

Making it nearly impossible to think of anything else.

Though, the full weight of it was not yet upon me, one silvery strand of hope kept it from crushing me completely. Yesterday, the strand was cut.

I was crushed. I am crushed.

I cried. Tears prickling in my eyes only adds insult to injury. The world is out of my control and now my emotions are, too.

By the time Josh got home, the moment of weakness was a glimmer in a distant past, hours had gone by...but he saw it there. He saw me, only I wasn't quite myself.

"What is wrong?"

Everything. Everything seems wrong.

"You know what is wrong."

"What can I do?"

You could lift this crushing weight from my chest.
"Nothing. You and I both know there is nothing else to be done. We've tried it all before."

"Are you upset with me?"

Not unless you are calling the shots for the Universe, buddy.
"No, you have nothing to do with it. You know that."

He can't take this. He wants to be responsible, to take the brunt of my pain somehow. If he is responsible, then he can apologize, he can fix things.

I long to fix the situation and he longs to fix me.

He works at it all evening, at one point I stop him, "I can't just be happy to make you feel better. I know you want to fix this for me, but you can't. It is what it is and I can't get past it yet. I just can't."

He kisses me on the head and says, "Okay." But somehow, minutes later, I find myself smiling at him, laughing a little even. I crack a joke about this shitty hand we've been dealt, again, we both laugh.

He and I, in it together.

The weight suddenly spread between us, light enough for me to catch my breath again, at least for the moment.

****

The weight is this: It seems quite certain that KayTar is losing her insurance again. It is a long story, one that I won't give the details of until it is said and done. A small part of me believes there will be a reprieve this time, that we won't be living this all over again, but the logical part of me knows...there is no reprieve, and we are already living this again. Only this time, I think we really have exhausted all the options.

This little blip will probably be deleted shortly.

55 comments:

InTheFastLane said...

NO!! The universe is so not right. I will pray that this does not happen. But, at least shared, the load is just a little lighter.

Mad said...

The biggest hug I can give, Kyla. I know that is not enough.

Gwen said...

Fuck it all, Kyla, that is just wrong. I am so, so, so sorry.

Magpie said...

That is just so fucking wrong. Wrong wrong wrong.

Can we do anything?

mommamia said...

Hugs and more hugs. I know it will not relieve the burden of this. Is there anything we can do write letters make calls. Anything?

Chrissy said...

oh, no. Just no. That is not right. I'm praying another door will open. I'm so sorry.

cinnamon gurl said...

Oh NOOOO!

I'm sorry. I wish I could do something.

Jaden Paige said...

My god, that is just awful. I'm so, SO beyond sorry, Kyla. :(

I pray that things will work out and an option you hadn't thought of before will present itself. Or a miracle. Or something.

I know nothing I can say will relieve how you feel. Just know that there are a lot of people out here in the world thinking of you, praying for your family, and sending you e-hugs and good vibes...

Jolly Johnstons said...

Oh my gosh, I am so so sorry. We're praying for you.

Becca said...

NOOOO! I am so so sorry.

metro mama said...

Oh, no. I hope not. I'm so, so sorry.

Scientific Lutheran said...

My heart just broke for ya'll!

I'll add you to our prayer list at church, it never hurts to have LOTS of people praying for you!

alejna said...

Oh, Kyla. I don't know what to say. I'll say what others have said, though. That is just so wrong. So fucking wrong.

Gretchen said...

F***!

Christina said...

Consider the weight spread to all of us who read this site and care so deeply for your family. Because I just felt some of it hit my chest when I read this.

Dammittall!!

Hugs.

Trenches of Mommyhood said...

Furious and sad on your behalf. Still holding on to hope though. Keep us posted.

Katie said...

Remember, we're holding hands...so if I don't fall, you dont' fall and vice versa, okay?

Hetha said...

Just tell us who to write to, who to call. Give us a task and we'll do it. This is completely absurd!

Julie said...

Dammit, dammit, dammit! I'm so mad for you!!

motherbumper said...

WTF is going on? Not with you but with this unbelievable madness known as health insurance in the US. Fuck - this is so wrong that it is infuriating (but you already know that). OK, well now you will just have to move to Canada (did that help crack a small smile in this horrible situation?). xoxoxo ~ the bumps

scarbie doll said...

Cantcha just convert to Canadian already so we can take care of you? Oh. I see Katie already said that. But for real -- we'll adopt y'all. Canadians love helping people with no insurance.

I hope your new pres can fix this mess.

Defiantmuse said...

oh, Kyla :( I'm so sorry. What a fucking nightmare health insurance in this country is!!

Janet said...

I can't even wrap my head around the craptastic truth of that, Kyla.

I'm so, so sorry.

Karianna said...

It makes me sick. You and your family deserve so much more. You work so hard - at studying, at mothering, at family-holding-togethering, and it is just WRONG that you get dealt these hands.

Mimi said...

NOOOOOO! Oh, Kyla, I'm so sorry that this is happening to you again. Oh no.

Bon said...

oh Kyla, that weight and the sense of helplessness it's got to create...i'm so sorry. you describe it beautifully, but i don't suppose it does much to lift it.

this ain't right. what the f#ck?

~aj~ said...

Kyla, my heart just aches for you right now. I'm so glad you and Josh have one another...to share this burden as well as strengthen one another. You WILL get through this! I'm praying for you!

Ben and Bennie said...

Okay, we have a little thread on Facebook brainstorming. I've got a friend looking into having a national bank set up for donations to keep insurance going until everything is resolved. It might work...

tierd said...

NO NO NO! I am so sorry to hear this. So wrong in so many ways.

Kristin said...

I'm so sorry, hun. I'm sorry the answer was "no". I am so so bummed for you guys. :(

jeanie said...

Oh no. That is just wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong.

I still don't understand your health insurance system over there, and I hope I never have to (in that Aus does look to US for our future - eek).

Over here we have private, but it is in no way related to your job or so many hoops for the exact policy.

Another blog friend of mine has just started cancer treatment and her hubby couldn't look for another job because any future employer health fund would look at her cancer diagnosis and say "no way" - so instead, her hubby's employer has just gone down the gurgler.

It is just plain (expletive deleted).

If Canada is too cold, I would offer Australia as an alternative - except our immigration can be as big a load of (expletive deleted) as your health funds unfortunately.

Christine said...

((((hugs))))

flutter said...

crap. CRAP

K said...

I am so, so, so sorry.

:(

natalie said...

Oh, Kyla...I so want to throw plates against the wall and scream for you!! Perhaps I should run to the local wal-mart and bring some over. We can stand on the driveway and aim at every tree and wall around until you feel better.

Damn.

Damn.

Damn.

amanda said...

I am doing all I can do for you and praying as hard as I can that this does not happen.

Amy Y said...

So sorry, Mama.
I hope you're wrong and somehow she doesn't lose it...

Margaret, Soon To Be Mama said...

I wish thre was something I could do.

epi said...

Ohhhh.... [hugs]

Woman in a Window said...

Kyla, this sucks so much. (Queen of understatement) but then there is this. This. As I was reading this I kept saying to myself (excuse me) fut, say it isnt' true, fut, say it isn't true. I thought you had cancer. That's what I was thinking. And it does suck so much but is it wrong of me to be relieved that you do not have cancer?

I believe, BELIEVE you will change things. That your family will be alright and as a consequence other families will be alright. I believe. (But in the meantime, I'm sorry for you.)

Chaotic Joy said...

Oh Kyla. Thanks for letting me know this was here. I am so, so sorry. This is just wrong. I will also pray for another door to open. Loving you.

Holly said...

I hope that your fears are not confirmed here and that you aren't faced with having to find coverage on your own.

Hopefully not to add to the burden, but I have been looking for insurance for our family for about 6 months. My husband and I started a company over the summer. The plan I can get through my school is terrible and ridiculously expensive. We applied for a more reasonable individual policy. We (husband, me, 4 (now 5) year old boy and 2 year old girl) applied for an individual policy.

My daughter, who has never been on so much as an antibiotic, was denied coverage for having 4 ear infections in a 12 month period. I was denied for having an episode of colitis 8 years ago. I work in international health and we've worked and lived for months in places with no electricity or running water without so much as a stomach bug. But we can't get insurance.

We're in the middle of a lengthy fight with our latest attempt (with BCBS) which is probably the most likely. It's already taken so long with paperwork and more paperwork that we're going to have to resubmit everything again because the initial application expires over 30 days. It is a nightmare.

We're on COBRA right now and have used all our savings to pay it ($1400/month) just because we are terrified of something happening with it.

Just because you have COBRA does not mean you are not immune from being denied due to pre-existing conditions.

Anyway, I've talked about it online in the same sort of hushed tones you imply (though not at all as eloquently) ... when I read your plight my heart just went out to you on many levels...

You've probably gone down this lane before, but an attorney (maybe through your school's legal services) could help you petition the state for Medicaid due to your daughter's medical needs. Sometimes these can be argued on behalf of minors, even if they are not the exact match.

Sending supportive thoughts from NOLA...

Lisa b said...

oh Kyla after all the work you have done it just is not right.

TxMommy said...

Kyla, after all you have been through - you do not deserve this. I am so sorry, and am sending lots of prayers your way. Like another reader said - please let us know if there is anything at all we can do.

ewe are here said...

This shouldn't be happening again. To you or anyone else.

I'm so sorry. And angry. And depressed.

sigh

Debbie said...

You may already gone this route but if not then I would contact your state Insurance Commissioner ASAP. They should assist you with filing a complaint or investigating if you feel the benefits are going to be wrongly terminated. I would also call/write your state representatives and even your Congressman. Good luck!

Debbie said...

Forgot to include a link for you:

http://www.tdi.state.tx.us/consumer/complfrm.html

Karen said...

damnit, I thought it might be, but hoped that wasn't it. damn, kyla. I'm so sorry.

sheree said...

I am so sorry Kyla. I don;t even know what else to say. This is just so shitty.

(hugs)

Anonymous said...

oh my lord, kyla, i am so, so, so sorry. this is unbelievable. what is the point of insurance if the people who need it most can't get it? absurd, absolutely absurd. there has to be something that can be done....

carrie said...

I am so pissed for you, and holding out hope that things will look up soon . . .

Sending you strength Kyla.

Chickenbells said...

Oh no. I don't know what to even begin to say, other than I'm sorry...and I can't believe this is happening! I know neither of those helps though...

deb said...

I' sorry. It's not right.

No Mother Earth said...

Oh, Kyla, I'm so sorry.

I know that the title of your post is "Heavy", but I've always felt from you an incredible lightness of being (despite all the troubles you've been through). If anyone can make things happen, you can.

wheelsonthebus said...

As I mentioned to you before, I am so sorry.