circles within circles

I had intended to do and Now and Then type photo for Wordless Wednesday, because sweet KayTar is wearing the same cold weather clothes she was wearing last year, but when I went through my October 2006 photo file, I noticed there were none for this week. Then I remembered, this was the week we went to Orlando, the photos are on the laptop we took with us. This was the week we waited for KayTar's MRI results. This was the week we got KayTar's MRI results. This was the week that fear consumed me. And because life tends to come full circle in these poetic ways, this year we are also spending this week waiting on some very important test results.

We had the MRI on Friday the 20th and left to go out of town on Sunday the 22nd. In the parking garage at the airport, KayTar started having an episode. I still can't reread these posts without my stomach dropping out and my limbs turning to jello. It has been a year and I can still feel that frozen terror.

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I stopped writing right here to go take KayTar to therapy. When we got outside, she was clearly bothered by the sunlight, but she also went a little limp on me. I loaded her in and off we drove. I kept an eye on her in the rearview mirror and by the time I hit the first stoplight I was calling Josh for a second opinion. "She seems a little off, should we cancel therapy? Nothing is happening, it is just a feeling." and he said, "Go home." As soon as I turned around, it started. The moaning, the "eyes hurt", the retching.

When we got home she didn't want to be put down, so while holding her, I sat at my desk to locate the therapist's phone number so I could cancel, and the ped's pager number to find out if we should try for an EEG. Now, I'm stuck here in my computer chair, covered in a few coats of vomit, typing one handed in the dark. Every time I move, even to shift positions, she starts vomiting again. So here I'll stay until she feels better or my bladder hits critical mass. I am fairly certain it will be the latter that comes first. I had quite a bit of coffee this morning. But vomit covered or no, I'll sit still for as long as I can manage to provide some modicum of comfort while she endures this. It is the least I can do for my poor sweet girl.

Poetic circles of life, no? I think those posts from last year still make my stomach drop and my limbs turn to jello is because I still experience those feelings every time this happens to her. You never really get used to your child being in such unbearable and unnecessary pain. It is completely at odds with the visceral maternal drive to protect your young at all costs. How do you protect them when the predator is their very own body?

I can't help but wonder what might have happened today if I had begun a wholly unrelated post this morning or had just chosen to post a WW photo like I had intended. Would we still be snuggled painfully together in the desk chair or would our day look something more like this?




It has been one month and one day since her last, it looks as though that 69 day break was a fluke after all. Oh, how I wish it wasn't.