Monday, October 08, 2007

The reality is...

I had second and third and fourth thoughts about hitting publish on my last post. I rewrote it twice. It felt too whiny, too needy, too woe is me. I don't like being that person. This situation has been so much more difficult than it currently is, I feel ungrateful when I let it get to me, and even more ungrateful when I put those feelings in writing. There are worse things than missing test results or unknown diagnoses. There are women who have lost their children, who would give anything to be waiting on test results, if only that meant their child was still with them. There are people who have their answers, only they aren't the kind they'd like. Answers that tell parents how many days they have left with their children or paints a grim picture of what those days will hold. There are worse things than wondering.

At the same time, I try my best to be real in this space. I started this blog because I wanted to say things that I felt I couldn't say in my day to day life. I wanted to be honest instead of smiling while assuring people that everything is just fine. Because sometimes, things are not fine. Sometimes things are difficult. It may not compare to the toughest stuff out there, it can still be tough. Life can be tough for anyone at any moment. To paint a picture that shows otherwise is false.

There are choices in blogging. You choose how far you let others in, how honest you are, what light you paint yourself in. The words I share and withhold create the version of me that you all know. I could easily leave out those moments where I'm faltering. I could share only my strongest times, present myself steadfast in my strength. But that isn't who I am, and it is never who I want to be in this space. This is my space, the one corner of the world I let myself be whole. The place where I don't hide parts of myself. A place where parents in similar situations can find common ground, shared joys and struggles, I don't want to cheapen that by being less than honest about how it wears on me. It does wear on me. It wears on all of us at times.

So, no matter how difficult I find it to hit that publish button when it feels like I am being an ungrateful prick, I will do it. I will show you my weaknesses, because all of you have shared your hearts with me, and I can do no less than return the honor.

MY HEART



35 comments:

Tammi said...

I read your 'explosion' post and I certainly did not think you were being whiney. I think we all feel at the mercy of the medical profession at times. The reality is they hold a lot of power in our lives but we have very little control over accessing their info or knowledge. It IS maddening.

I certainly don't think any less of you - but, then, you seem to be handeling the delay with much more grace than I would.

ewe are here said...

I don't think I've ever thought you were being whiny about anything. In fact, I'm constantly amazed at how well you seem to be handling everything at your end.

And, personally, I think 'wondering' and waiting can be a form of hell in and of itself...

DDM said...

I admire you for being able to share this with anyone who chooses to read it. I wish that I hadn't allowed myself to be chased private by an evil troll, because I think it does help other parents of special needs kids to read the 'not so great' moments. We all have them. It helps ME to feel less alone in my worries. Thank you.

InTheFastLane said...

Everyone needs a space to let things out. No one can ever fault you for being honest. Sometimes it is ok to admit we are not always strong. Sometimes it is ok to let other help pick you up.

mommyof2galz said...

Yeah, if you feel like complaing about stuff or whatever, than just do it :0) everyone does it at sometime or another...

Chrissy said...

There will always be someone whose situation is worse than yours by comparison, but it doesn't make your struggles any less painful for you.
I admire you for your openness and honesty.

slouching mom said...

Goodness, but you? You are never. Ever. Whiny.

Just keep doing what you're doing. No regrets. No need for them.

JC said...

I don't think you are being whiny at all, I think you are being honest about how you feel. It's ok to feel like things aren't ok. I never understood why people feel the need to be "happy" 24/7 and not acknowledge the fact that people do feel sad, bad things do happen. So no, I don't think you are whiny. I think you are handling things just fine. :)

Junie's Blog said...

I never thought your post was whiny. It never even occurred to me. I clearly saw your frustration with the "process". Nothing whiny about that! I'm glad you aren't censoring that part of yourself. Why have a blog if you are not free to say whatever you feel needs to be said?

Kyla said...

It is an internal thing, I guess, something I struggle with. I've never felt that anyone else thought I was whining, more that I personally feel that I'm somehow being ungrateful.

No worries. :)

jen said...

you've never once, not ever, sounded ungrateful.

and of course there are worse things. there will always be worse things. but that doesn't mean this isn't a worst thing for you.

kyla, you shoulder more than many of us and you do it with grace. someone once told me they were amazed at how many women forgot they were human when they became mothers. i can be one of those women sometimes too. but we are human, friend. we are. and we are good humans at that.

flutter said...

And we will love those pieces too. I have yet to see you whiny.

Lisa b said...

Don't have second thoughs Kyla. Put it out there. People appreciate it and you need to do it.
That's what we are here for.
Plus you keep reading my constant b-itching. so really why do you expect so much more of yourself?

PJ said...

You don't realize how much help your very vivid descriptions of your thought and worries are to other parents. (It's also great catharsis for you.) ...You don't sound whiney at all...only a concerned Mom! ...and a creative writer.

PJ

Aliki2006 said...

I completely understand you--I always get this terrible feeling when I've written a post about the dark sides of my life, my worries, my anguish, that soul-bearing that both feels so natural to do and yet so scary.

You weren't whining. I'm so glad to have found you and to read about your journey, with all its bumps.

motherbumper said...

Don't change a thing in your writing or posts or I will get very upset. I have yet to here a whine come from this blog, that I can say with 100% certainty. We are here to support each other and speak honestly so you just keep on talking sister friend.

Becca said...

Don't change a thing! It didn't sound whiney at all! I love your writing, the ups and the downs.

And I LOVE the pics!

bubandpie said...

It's a strange thing, that sense of raw exposure that comes after a post, not because it revealed something essentially bad but rather because it showed a side that departs from our self-image. I've felt it too sometimes after an out-of-character post, and then let the post stand for the same reasons.

Katie said...

Kyla typed a bad word. =P

As someone who knows very little outside of sharing my reality for what is, I appreciate and adore you & your blog for posts just like this one.

Melanie G said...

Never apologize when you write something that is from your heart. If people feel that you are whining, they can stop reading. This is your forum, be true to what you feel.

Lawyer Mama said...

No need to feel bad about being "whiny." I didn't think you were anyway. I understand why you're so frustrated. It would be driving me to drink in the same situation.

Kellan Rhodes said...

I agree with tammi - life is sometimes maddening. And I would not be nearly as tolerant as you either! I love the pictures (those sunglasses are too much!)

Kristin said...

I hope someone didn't make you feel like you were being whiney creating this "need" to explain yourself. I never heard it as whiney at all. And you have every right to express yourself and I'm so glad you do. I'm so glad you let us in.

I wish I had the way with words you do. Next time I need to justify my own feelings in my blogs I'll come cut and paste :)

Sometimes I wish I had started blogging anonymously. Not that you're all that "anonymous" to me.

Be you. Do what you do. Is that Dr. Pepper's slogan? It's a good one.

deb said...

I hope I didn't come across as uncaring. I do remember how awful it was waiting for test results, one gene test took 18 months. And it's your blog and you need to write how you feel.

But one day, one day, it won't be so hard. It won't hurt so much. Just takes a long time. Sending you a hug and a hope for speedy results.

Julie said...

Kyla,

I really admire your honesty and envy your "wholeness." My blog exists as a "look at the cute thing the kids are doing" and not as an outlet for me. I could have used an outlet last week, but I haven't created that space for myself.

Julie

Chaotic Joy said...

I am glad you make the decision to be real. Because it makes it easier for me to do so. So often, I am tempted to change my posts to make them less down, less emotional, less me. Thank you for not doing that. But please don't apologize. You are doing great.

Christine said...

kyla--this IS your space and you can say or do anything here. we will love you know matter what. and honestly? you never come off whiney. really.

cinnamon gurl said...

I know what you mean. Sometimes life feels so hard, but there are a million ways it could be so much worse. Keep on keeping it real... we'll all still be here.

laundrylessons said...

Beautifully put. We have to be honest, humble, true if we want to go to bed each night feeling real. Your posts are always appreciated for their tone and truth.

Beck said...

Are you kidding? I think of you as this pillar of strength and you sounded the opposite of whiny. You're allowed to be a vulnerable, frightened mother. Really.

Mad Hatter said...

I'm with the rest of the gang. You have never once sounded whiny. Please continue to give us all those parts of you that you know need to come out--whatever form they take.

Amy said...

The great thing about blogging is you really get to see the whole person. The person that make them who they are. The real you. All of it...the good times and the hard times.

Just an FYI...I would never ever use the word "ungrateful" and Kyla in the same sentence. So get that thought out of your head silly!!

~aj~ said...

I'm in 100% agreement with everyone else. I hate that you have questioned how others see you. We all adore you and are drawn to your blog because of your honesty, your way with words and your wonderful children. Just be yourself...you can't go wrong!

kittenpie said...

Honey, you are so not whiney. And even if you were, who would blame you? Who would have any place to judge that? Who would not need some outlet in the same position? Don't fret. Anyone who doesn't want to know about the difficulties will be off reading something very different and less real.

Mimi said...

Kyla, you be whoever you need to be, here. It's funny how blogging honestly sometimes feels easier when we just start, when there's fewer friends rather than more? Let your subconscious explode--it's who you are and how you feel, and if you cna't express it here, then where?