Turns into this?
Ooof. My heart.
I spent the day yesterday cleaning out BubTar's closet, which was packed to the brim with almost 3 years worth of outgrown clothing, both his and KayTar's. I think it nearly killed me. The thought of giving away all of those clothes (minus the ones I cannot part with) that are supposed to nearly be filled with a baby by now was just so heartrending. We had a plan. We wanted to be done by 30. We wanted 5 little munchkins, spaced approximately like BubTar and KayTar, 2 years 10 months. KayTar is 2 years and 9 months old, and there is no new baby on the horizon. Nor should there be. I don't want to splinted already skewed attentions. Our finances are unexpectedly tight due to the fact that I gave up my job to stay home with KayTar. Let's not even broach the insurance issue. I make a miserable, miserable pregnant person. Miserable. I feel like a half-dead pod person for the first 6 months. I would be hard pressed to be pregnant and carry on KayTar's schedule. I'm also fairly sure they do not give you 6 weeks of maternity leave from your children's therapy schedule. I am going back to school soon. I want to go back to school. I want to work.
But I'm saying that I notice. I notice that there is no small body inside my body, no fluttering, no flailing limbs and tiny hiccups, no elbows and feet stretching against my skin. I notice that I am packing clothes up and sending them away rather than washing them and tucking them away inside a dresser to be used again soon. I notice KayTar's age, and I notice there is no one coming behind her to fill the newborn sized nightgowns that both she and BubTar once sleepily curled inside. I notice there is no longer anyone sleeping in the crib. I notice the ton of baby toys and paraphernalia that have been tucked away in the attic instead of being washed and put together for an impending arrival. I do notice.
A year ago it was easy to say we were done having children, things had really just begun to happen with KayTar and there was no way we wanted to bring another child into the mix. Our world was upside down and we had no way to right it again. But here, today, in the spaces that should be nearly ripe with new life, it is much more difficult to say the same thing. Because not only do I notice, I want. Not today, not tomorrow...but someday, I do want.
How could I not?
31 comments:
If I write that I understand, I am sure that you will believe me.
And that last photo! What a beautiful, beautiful picture of you, Kyla.
I love that photo of you as well! What a sweet moment. I was so whacked out on drugs from a day of laboring and then a C-section that I can hardly remember that moment.
I feel for you hon. The thing is (and this is big) you are so very young in terms of expanding your family with no high risk worries. You will find yourselves someday, and it might not be that far off, in a place where you can both feel good and ready to have another baby. I think it's not as far off as you may imagine!
I'm so neurotic about cleaning out the closets that most of the early baby clothes are gone, but you've shown me what we're missing by doing that. Beautiful photos and a beautiful, growing KayTar.
I notice that there is no small body inside my body, no fluttering, no flailing limbs and tiny hiccups, no elbows and feet stretching against my skin.
This awareness-slash-nostalgia is just beginning to hit me lately. Interestingly, if I were to act on that nostalgia, I would probably have a baby when Swee'pea is 2 years, 9 months ish.
Lucky for you, you have so much time you could wait until KayTar is much older if you wanted and have another baby or two then. Don't let the age difference worry you because my brother and sister are 8 and 6 years older than me, respectively, and we got along great... (now).
Were does time go...
That longing never entirely goes away. When I met my second husband at age 50,I felt a pang that my true love and I could never have a child:) Grandchildren help, but I already feel nostalgic now that Michael has outgrown 3 months, 6 months, 9 months outfits and is already wearing 12 months sizes.
I love that last picture of you, Kyla.
Oh, ouch. I want it too. Someday. I sooooo feel this pain. Those pictures are so very precious. This post actually made me tear up. But I can't believe you wanted 5 kids by age 30. Or 5 kids at all. Whoa!
We cleaned out all the clothes recently too. I hate it. I shove Dalton in things that are too small for him because I hate the thought of never seeing it on one of my babies again. :(
...and you will, Kyla. You will! When the situation is right and you are ready to jump in body and soul!
In the meantime - hang in there and snuggle the lovelies you already have!
Hugs!! Heidi
I LOVE the picture of you at the end. I know it must be hard. I'm so sorry. I hope things settle down soon and you guys can start thinking about it again.
You know that I understand.
For you, though, there is still some time and opportunity ahead, possibly.
It is hard, to let those things go. I know.
Gorgeous photos.
Julie
Using My Words
I so get this. I struggle with similar feelings on a daily basis.
Oh... I never thought I'd be the mommy who held on to baby clothes - I mean, they are just clothes.
HAHAHAHAHAHHA. yet another thing that has come to bite me in the butt. I have a small bag that I put my "I will never be able to part with this" stuff, a box of "on the off chance I ever have another, here's the stuff I want" and the boxes of handed down handme downs that I need to find a home for - my silly brother had to go and have a girl - that's no help. sigh.
maybe the dream is still a reality? maybe there can be five, maybe later?
{{hugs}}
Running on empty
Same place my friend, same place. It's hard doing it - I'm cleaning up the same and packing them off to my SIL instead of washing, folding, arranging, and the nesting. I'm confident in our decision but I struggle with it every day.
I'm on a mini packing break... and I had to stop and say this post makes my heart hurt.
I so feel for you, and I do understand. My husband and I have decided that our two boys should be it. It makes sense to stop now. And yet... the baby clothes, the baby toys, as I pack up the house I pack them up, too, thinking maybe we'll reconsider. And then I think I should just let go of them, and my husband says to wait, hold on to them...
It's such a hard decision to make ... and you have to look at the big picture of you and your family and your lives.
Sending you hugs ... and I love the pictures at the end of the post.
I took apart our crib this weekend. Knowing that we had hoped to be pregnant six months ago, it hurt a little, too, and I had to say to Misterpie - as much as it took me a long time to decide I wanted another, having decided, I will be sad if it doesn't happen. I hope it happens for both of us when it's ready.
Another lovely post - and oh, I understand. Right now, I'm wistfully thinking of a fourth baby, this child to fill up the space in the van, this person to make us even. And there's no way - as my husband always says, someone someday has to be the last baby and I think, with a sinking heart, that I've had mine.
Such a sweet post (with such sweet pictures!). I know you don't need me telling you, but you are still so young, Kyla. I know this isn't the right time for your family and that you have other dreams you currently want to pursue, but that doesn't mean you have to lose your dream of more children.
I know first-hand that siblings with large age gaps (there's a 13 & 18 year gap between some in my family) can still have wonderful relationships with one another. It also makes for exciting, new adventures for the parents!
I just packed up all my maternity and newborn clothes.
I only wanted two and I had trouble letting those go so I can only imagine how hard it is for you.
You make lovely babies.
I want that for you too!
Gorgeous baby pictures. I know this feeling. I swore no more after Anna, but God had other plans. I didn't think I would be able to handle it, God gives us what we can handle.
Awwww. Bittersweet. It's hard to know what the future holds, huh? That photo of KayTar and the sleeper? We just did that with Munchkin and her Xmas outfit from last year. Shocking, eh?
All we know is everything keeps changing.
Oh Kyla! You will have that family yet! You are so young! When I was your age I couldn't even fathom having kids. It was not even on the horizon! I didn't have my first until I was nearly 28 and look at me now! Three kids later! You'll get there, sweets!
Those pictures are so beautiful!
There is something so intoxicating about those little clothes that triggers the yearning, I think.
It's hard to be done, really done. Maybe you aren't, maybe so. Perhaps you don't have to decide with finality, yet.
Both pictures are gorgeous--so serene. I packed away the clothes ages ago, but I still get little pangs of longing. I think that's a rite of passgae in and of itself.
I can't begin to tell you how much I understand. You beautiful girl
This is so loud and clear and ringing through my own mind. Your perfect, gorgeous babes are too much for my longing.
I always believe what is meant to happen WILL happen - and it will be for the best. Don't give up hope.
I completely understand.
Ah, those little 'Tar pictures are so sweet.
There is nothing I love more than great baby pictures like those!
Oh, how I completely understand. I so, so, so completely understand. My heart aches with understanding.
Today I got an e-mail from someone who didn't know I miscarried. Her first line: "I hope you're feeling well and are getting big with baby." Complete punch to the gut. I was breathless for a moment.
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