It is actually quite nice except for the whole mind game portion.
I was kind of bluffing about the whole 40 day doctor thing, because "There's NO WAY I'll make it 40 days! I took pregnancy tests and posted them on the Internet! That is akin to the doing a ritualistic Period Dance." And yet. Hello, Day 40. Damn.
Josh has two theories.
1. His sleeping self and my sleeping self had unprotected sex, unbeknownst to our conscious selves. Doubtful. And kind of creepy, right? But it also sounds like a great way to multi-task.
2. I am currently on my period and "JUST DON'T KNOW IT, BECAUSE IT IS REALLY LIGHT."
I said, "Light like INVISIBLE?!" and he said, "Sure. Light like invisible." And I said, "Yeah, maybe I'm on my invisible period ALL THE TIME and I just don't know it!" And he said, "Don't ask me. It is YOUR invisible period. What do I know about it?"
Yeah, he's a funny guy.
Last night I rocked KayTar to sleep. I rocked my almost three year old to sleep. The last time I rocked her to sleep (when she wasn't being sedated for something) was when she was about this age:
Just for comparison's sake, here is a repeat of yesterday's photo:
That is to say, it has been quite a while. I've tried during various rough nights, but she always just wants to talk and play with me. Rocking does not settle her into sleep. She doesn't crave it.
Last night, we tucked her in, and this girl who puts herself to sleep nightly cried out. The same cry as last night. Josh went in and tried to Stern Daddy bit, it didn't fly. I went in, scooped her up, and sang a bit to her per her request. Then I went to set her back into the crib like last night and she panicked. I wasn't even out the door. I was still touching her, in fact, and she couldn't calm down. So I picked her up again and swayed around the room with her in my arms. She wrapped her arm so tightly round my neck that it was almost uncomfortable. When it would slip, she would wake, panicked, thinking I had gone. We did this until my arms felt like they would give out. We might have to keep a close eye on her weight, but a toddler is a toddler and they are a bit heavy. So I said, "Baby, can I take you to the rocking chair?" "A rock. A chair. Yes, MomMom." So I did.
She wrapped herself so tightly around me. She put her arms between my arms and my body. She slid her feet behind me in the chair. She nestled her head so it was pinned between my chin and chest. And she settled and slept. But every time her body relaxed, she would jerk awake and grab for part of me, my shirt, my nose, my hand. She had to have part of me in her hand, then she'd slip back to sleep. I rocked her for a while, waiting for it to stop, waiting for her to be in a deep sleep, but it never came. She started to feel cramped in that too small rocking chair and needed her own body space to sleep properly...but she didn't want to let me go. I kept rocking until it became clear she'd never get into a deep sleep without space to move and we went back to the crib. She freaked out and Josh was finally able to soothe her to sleep. Finally.
I got her test results this morning, while writing this actually. They came back normal. I don't know what it means. But we can't do this. They are going to want to do more tests and we just can't do that to her right now. She can't even sleep. The poor baby can't even fall asleep at night.
Last night when Josh and I fell into bed, he said, "Do you think we waited too long? Do you think it was too much and we should have put a stop to it sooner? Do you think it did damage?"
And I said, "I hope not, babe."
I really hope not.