Turns into this?
Ooof. My heart.
I spent the day yesterday cleaning out BubTar's closet, which was packed to the brim with almost 3 years worth of outgrown clothing, both his and KayTar's. I think it nearly killed me. The thought of giving away all of those clothes (minus the ones I cannot part with) that are supposed to nearly be filled with a baby by now was just so heartrending. We had a plan. We wanted to be done by 30. We wanted 5 little munchkins, spaced approximately like BubTar and KayTar, 2 years 10 months. KayTar is 2 years and 9 months old, and there is no new baby on the horizon. Nor should there be. I don't want to splinted already skewed attentions. Our finances are unexpectedly tight due to the fact that I gave up my job to stay home with KayTar. Let's not even broach the insurance issue. I make a miserable, miserable pregnant person. Miserable. I feel like a half-dead pod person for the first 6 months. I would be hard pressed to be pregnant and carry on KayTar's schedule. I'm also fairly sure they do not give you 6 weeks of maternity leave from your children's therapy schedule. I am going back to school soon. I want to go back to school. I want to work.
But I'm saying that I notice. I notice that there is no small body inside my body, no fluttering, no flailing limbs and tiny hiccups, no elbows and feet stretching against my skin. I notice that I am packing clothes up and sending them away rather than washing them and tucking them away inside a dresser to be used again soon. I notice KayTar's age, and I notice there is no one coming behind her to fill the newborn sized nightgowns that both she and BubTar once sleepily curled inside. I notice there is no longer anyone sleeping in the crib. I notice the ton of baby toys and paraphernalia that have been tucked away in the attic instead of being washed and put together for an impending arrival. I do notice.
A year ago it was easy to say we were done having children, things had really just begun to happen with KayTar and there was no way we wanted to bring another child into the mix. Our world was upside down and we had no way to right it again. But here, today, in the spaces that should be nearly ripe with new life, it is much more difficult to say the same thing. Because not only do I notice, I want. Not today, not tomorrow...but someday, I do want.
How could I not?