Thursday, November 13, 2008

Yesterday,

I cleaned the living room, the bathroom, the kids' rooms.

I did laundry.

I played Potato Head, trains, dollhouse.

I read books.

I studied.

I emailed a few people just to say hello.

These things sound ordinary, but they aren't. These are things I haven't felt like doing in months, it seems. I've been doing them, half-heartedly, because life demands it be done. Kids must be fed, clothed, read to, played with. House must be tidied, cleaned. Laundry must be washed. Studying must be done, even if only in a OH-MY-GOD-I'VE-PUT-THIS-OFF-TOO-LONG-AND-MUST-CRAM-NOW sort of way. Emails have to be sent, replied to. Life has to happen, whether you feel up to it or not.

But yesterday, I woke up and instead of plugging myself into the computer straightaway, I cleaned up. I felt like getting things done. I felt like being social. I felt like playing. I felt GOOD. I didn't realize that I haven't felt that way in a long while, until I felt it again. I've had this bezoar in my gut for months now; stress, anxiety, fear, grief...compressed and twisted and turned into something almost unrecognizable, something I didn't want to recognize, really.

I've distracted myself, focused on things that don't matter. I've avoided talking to people for fear of having to acknowledge my emotions or see them mirrored in someone else. Of course, you can't avoid everyone all the time...when forced to update someone or fill them in on things, I limited myself to very factual and flippant statements, "Yeah, she's getting a g-button installed, you know, like a tiny gas pump...fill 'er up and go." I didn't want to see concern reflected in their faces. I didn't want to process my own concern, much less soothe someone else's. I couldn't study, because I simply couldn't focus. I've used this space as a pressure release valve, I've let off exactly enough emotion to keep it from exploding all over the place.

I don't know exactly how long it has been happening, I wasn't even aware of any of it until yesterday. My heart was war torn, ravaged by the years filled with recurrent battles of nutrition and hydration, broken by the perceived defeat of surrender. The reality of this surgery has so far surpassed my hopes while simultaneously nullifying so many fears that my head has finally cleared. Yesterday, I felt genuinely good for no reason at all, except that the hardened lump of fears and anxieties that has been fossilizing in my belly for such a long time was suddenly nowhere to be found.

27 comments:

deb said...

Sometimes you don't realize how heavy and how hard something is until it's gone. Sounds like your baby girl is doing well, I'm glad.

painted maypole said...

oh. whew. feels good, doesn't it?

TxMommy said...

I just want to give you a big hug!! I'm so glad that you and your precious girl are feeling better.

Mimi said...

Oh, Kyla -- how wonderful, and how awful, at the same time. That you carried this around while trying to pretend there wasn't a big weight around your neck ... well, that was obviously emotionally exhausting. I'm so glad you're feeling better, and the kind of self-awareness you have about what's happening to you ... well you impress me a little more each day, missy. When I grow up, I hope to have my shit only partly well together as you.

I would have cracked long ago. You have the strength of ten women. But you shouldn't have to use it so much.

Lori at Spinning Yellow said...

I think we are wired (at least I am) to not be able to fully realize how stressed we are in the moment, or else we'd crack. It is when things finally settle down a bit that we can go back & accept how awful they were.

I am glad you were able to feel more like yourself and that K is doing so well. Hugs.

Julie Pippert said...

Just so very glad.

ewe are here said...

It must be amazing to have this weight -- the weight of worrying about your daughter's food consumption -- to be lifting off your shoulders.

May the feeling of genuine happiness continue.

Chaotic Joy said...

Oh yay. What a wonderful post. I am so happy you are happy and the girl is doing well.

Now could you please send me some of that productive mojo. I seem to have lost mine. At birth.

No Mother Earth said...

It must be rather surreal, huh, the midnight feeding, the stress - or lack of it, the g-button? I'm so glad it's all working out though. What a relief for you.

InTheFastLane said...

YES!! Sometimes it is about you too, even if we mom's like to pretend it is not.

Chickenbells said...

Your words just made me sigh with relief. I love it when you have made a big decision and then look around after it's been done and think...my heavens! Why didn't I see that and that before? And then you start enjoying little things for yourself again...even if it's cleaning and organizing. I'm so happy for you...

Jaden Paige said...

YAY1 I am so happy your gray cloud has lifted. Congrats again... I'm not very articulate right now, but I really don't know what else to say!

tierd said...

Aw, this gave me goosebumps. So glad you and your sweet girl are doing well.

Amy Y said...

I'm glad you're feeling better...

runafteryou said...

Oh Kyla! Isn't that relief you didn't even realize you needed just about the sweetest thing on Earth?

I hear you friend, I hear you!

Assertagirl said...

Kyla, that is SO WONDERFUL and I just want to send you a virtual hug. So wonderful.

Gwen said...

Kyla, this makes my heart warm to read. I'm glad you're feeling better and that the g-button is working so well for you guys. And I'm sorry you carried so much weight around with you for so long.

Cori said...

I am so happy for you Kyla. You have been such a rock through this entire journey. I have always thought you where such a calm Mother. (I am not ...something I would love) I am glad you feel good again. I hope each day you feel even better. I hope this is the best holiday season your family has had. No worries about food in a little precious belly. I am not good with words... but I am so happy for you.

~aj~ said...

I am so, so glad that burden has been lifted from you and you've discovered your old self underneath it all.

Hugs to you, Kyla!

Lisa b said...

I love a happy ending.

Your fears were valid Kyla. It is a hell of a thing to put your child through a surgery if you think you can avoid it and knowing there is a chance, however small, that things could go wrong. Crazymumma was just here - she hadn't seen Julia since the hospital and I was thinking of you and how very glad we all are that things worked out for you.

Kristin said...

I'm happy yet sad. I'm sad I didn't notice you weren't all the way "there" these last few months or so. But I'm happy that this big sigh of relief that was KayTar's surgery is letting you be you again.

Hugs to you! I'm happy for you!

Stefanie said...

You're giving me hope so thank for that! And I'm happpy for you and totally get what you mean. My husband tells me I'm never happy anymore. No one else notices but he does.

Hetha said...

Halleluiah! This was beautifully articulate Kyla. I'm so so happy for you.

alejna said...

Oh, wow. I'm so glad that your load has lightened. And so glad that you are feeling good about things.

If I were in your shoes, I can imagine collapsing into a puddle of jelly for a bit after making it through the rough stretch.

natalie said...

Oh, Kyla. You KNOW. You know EXACTLY how I feel. It's slowly filling me up so that I am unable to do anything else. I hope the horrid IT disappears after Wednesday.

Funny...I'm FAR more worried about the post op care than I am the actually surgery.

motherbumper said...

Denial just ain't a river but damn I'm so happy that that the weight is lifting and getting lighter.

womaninawindow said...

and now I get it. Now I feel the relief. now I'm so happy for you, and for her.