Wednesday, April 04, 2007

32

This morning we woke up, got ready, I dropped BubTar at my mother's house, and KayTar and I headed to feeding therapy. About five minutes into the drive, KayTar started screaming, not pissy screaming, or bored screaming, or even hungry or thirsty screaming. Pain screaming. I glanced in the mirror. She looked "off". I thought, "No. No. No. Not today. Not happening. Nope. It could be ANYTHING, surely it is not THAT." So I said outloud, "Oh no KayTar. Today is day 32. We cannot do this today. No, no, no. Please?" And a few moments later, she wasn't screaming. And I sighed a great sigh of relief.

About that time, she started screaming again. I looked back. She looked "off". I thought, "No, this is not happening. She was just quiet and looked fine. It can't be that. It's NOT that." She stopped screaming again.

Then she started. And she looked "off". And I called Josh and said, "I don't know if she's having one or not. Do we keep driving to therapy or come home? I'm really not sure if she's having one." He said to go home, to be on the safe side. I took a u-turn and we headed home. I called my mom and said, "We aren't going to therapy. I don't know if she's having one or not, but something is wrong." She said she'd keep BubTar and take him to school.

And then the screaming intensified. And she started vomiting. And then I knew. But I didn't want to. I kept thinking things like, "She's been vomiting for two days. Maybe she is car sick. She can't be having one...not today. Not victory day. Not day 32. No." But she kept screaming.

Then she suddenly stopped. I looked back and she was completely still; her eyes were closed. I panicked. "Did she black out? Why did she go limp? Why did she stop screaming?" When the screaming started again, I felt relieved. But the screams cut me like knives. Each one dug a little deeper into my heart...it cut away a little bit more of the hope that had been growing in there for 32 days.

We got home and she was vomiting bile in her carseat. She hasn't eaten since yesterday evening and she threw that up last night, so her stomach is empty. I gave her Phenergan and Acetamenophen suppositories and cleaned her up and put her in bed. She is sleeping quietly for the moment. But it isn't over. None of it is over.

I didn't realize how much hope I had built up until it was gone.

7 comments:

Kristin said...

Kyla, I'm so sorry. This sucks so bad. You have such a way with words though that I feel like I'm feeling some of what you are. I still have goose bumps. Poor Kaytar. Poor you. And thank goodness you have your mom to help with Bubba so you can focus on your sweet baby girl.

Julie Pippert said...

Oh Kyla.

Oh KayTar baby.

(HUGS)

I had such hope for you too, and I feel so something...let down? It has to be a drop in the bucket, compared.

I'll be thinking about you guys. Know that care is coming your way.

NotSoSage said...

Thinking of all of you. I'm so sorry...for the pain, the disappointment, the fear. All of it.

You're all so strong.

raehan said...

I am so sorry, Kyla. That just sounds so hard for both of you.

So, so sorry.

~aj~ said...

Oh Kyla, that scared me so much while I was reading it. It gave me chills to think of what you guys were going through in that car. I know you must have been terrified.

So unbelievably sorry for KayTar. You're in my prayers!

Beck said...

I'm so sorry Kyla. But 32 days is a good long time, an improvement. Not enough, not nearly enough, though.

natalie said...

Kyla,

This sucks so bad for you guys (and girls). I'm so sorry. I'd love to carry some of this burden for you. I hope this episode doesn't last too long. Keep us updated.

Natalie