This morning we woke up, got ready, I dropped BubTar at my mother's house, and KayTar and I headed to feeding therapy. About five minutes into the drive, KayTar started screaming, not pissy screaming, or bored screaming, or even hungry or thirsty screaming. Pain screaming. I glanced in the mirror. She looked "off". I thought, "No. No. No. Not today. Not happening. Nope. It could be ANYTHING, surely it is not THAT." So I said outloud, "Oh no KayTar. Today is day 32. We cannot do this today. No, no, no. Please?" And a few moments later, she wasn't screaming. And I sighed a great sigh of relief.
About that time, she started screaming again. I looked back. She looked "off". I thought, "No, this is not happening. She was just quiet and looked fine. It can't be that. It's NOT that." She stopped screaming again.
Then she started. And she looked "off". And I called Josh and said, "I don't know if she's having one or not. Do we keep driving to therapy or come home? I'm really not sure if she's having one." He said to go home, to be on the safe side. I took a u-turn and we headed home. I called my mom and said, "We aren't going to therapy. I don't know if she's having one or not, but something is wrong." She said she'd keep BubTar and take him to school.
And then the screaming intensified. And she started vomiting. And then I knew. But I didn't want to. I kept thinking things like, "She's been vomiting for two days. Maybe she is car sick. She can't be having one...not today. Not victory day. Not day 32. No." But she kept screaming.
Then she suddenly stopped. I looked back and she was completely still; her eyes were closed. I panicked. "Did she black out? Why did she go limp? Why did she stop screaming?" When the screaming started again, I felt relieved. But the screams cut me like knives. Each one dug a little deeper into my heart...it cut away a little bit more of the hope that had been growing in there for 32 days.
We got home and she was vomiting bile in her carseat. She hasn't eaten since yesterday evening and she threw that up last night, so her stomach is empty. I gave her Phenergan and Acetamenophen suppositories and cleaned her up and put her in bed. She is sleeping quietly for the moment. But it isn't over. None of it is over.
I didn't realize how much hope I had built up until it was gone.