Friday, September 05, 2008

For your next self-pitying engagement, might I suggest the World's Tiniest Violins?

Yesterday was decidedly unpleasant for me, it was as if my emotions decided to take up residence right on top of my normally tough skin. Everything rubbed me raw, things that wouldn't even register on a normal day. I invited my friend Melon Collie over and we decided to throw ourselves a little party. We even had live music, The World's Tiniest Violins. They rocked the house. You should have been there!

KayTar had her hearing test on Wednesday and the audiologist noted about 30-40 decibels of additional loss in her impaired ear. She wants to repeat the test in the next couple of weeks to verify the results, but even without verification, it was enough to knock me off balance. She has these periodic tests to watch for progressive loss, but we never expected it to happen. Well, it seems to have happened, and once again it made me acutely aware of how little we know about KayTar's condition and future, and reminded me that we have no control over the outcomes. I've written a lot lately about accepting these unknowns, but I think what made that so easy to accept was believing the most difficult times were behind us. This little hearing test made me realize that maybe that isn't the case and I have no real way of knowing. It hasn't exactly been easy around here lately at the Depress-o-Blog; the illnesses, the dehydration, the episodes, the surgery talk, and now progressive hearing loss. We really don't know anything about tomorrow, we only know what we know today. Most of the time that is enough, but yesterday it simply wasn't.

So, while Melon Collie and I were rocking out to the World's Tiniest Violins, I indulged myself with a little game of What If, the goal of which is, of course, to make yourself cry. I won, in case you're wondering. Soon enough it was time for me to go to school, so I left Melon Collie here, and drove to school with the haunting rock ballads of the World's Tiniest Violins still playing in my mind. By the time we were dissecting our cats (sorry, Peanut!) I had forgotten the tune altogether. It seems to be impossible to feel sorry for yourself when dissecting a cat, I mean, whatever is going on in your life, you're still better off than the cat, right? It isn't enough that the poor thing is dead, it is also being cut to pieces by novices. What is a little progressive hearing loss when you are facing students with scalpels, really? It is all about perspective.

Today my feelings seem to be tucked back inside of my body where they belong and my rational disposition has promptly returned. My friend Logic is on his way over and we are going to read textbooks and case studies together and I won't be answering any of Melon Collie's phone calls or text messages today. I contemplated not mentioning Melon Collie at all, because he is one of those second or third string friends, the kind you aren't all that proud to be acquainted with in the first place, but I try to be honest here, even if this IS becoming the Depress-o-Blog. If I showed up today with Logic and didn't mention the big self-pitying bash I threw yesterday, well, that wouldn't be the whole story. Yesterday was difficult and I was sad. I cried! I can't remember the last time I cried about any of this...probably last year after that whole We Have a Diagnosis/No We Don't fiasco. It happens, every once in a while life gets just a little too heavy and you have to lighten the load. Then life goes on, just like it always does.

36 comments:

Becca said...

Hugs! Sorry about the bad news and the uncertainty. I'm glad today feels better, or at least more logical.

mommamia said...

Sorry that you are having a rough time lately. It is scary facing the unknown and not having control over what happens next.
You are doing a great job and it is OK to be upset about what is going on.

AJsMom said...

Sometimes it helps to just sit down and have a good cry.

Liana said...

Happy Logical Friday!
I'm glad you are feeling better than yesterday and I thank you for being honest.
You're such a tough woman, and you totally have earned a million times over the occasional melancholy day and purgative cry.
I hope you have a lovely weekend. :)

Mad said...

You amaze me. Your strength and wisdom amaze. The infrequency with which you open the door to Ms. Collie and crank up the classical string orchestra amazes me.

Kyla, we all have sad, tired, frightened, overwhelmed days. You deserve to wallow in those feelings more than most of us who come here deserve to.

motherbumper said...

Damn that Melon Collie, she is always such a drag. Hope you can lose her babes (though indulging with her every once in a while is totally and completely necessary - then look at the cat and make yourself feel better).

xo ~ the bumps

Aliki2006 said...

Oh, I'm sorry Kyla--really and truly and I kow what you mean. Sometimes it gets too much but, as you said so well, the feeling of being overwhelmed fails fades and you have to move on.

Norman said...

oh Kyla. I wish I had something wise to offer.
I've only got commiseration.
As mad says everyone has those days. You are a tough cookie to get through all of this but yes feeling better off than the cat is sometimes hard.
Literally I just received a link to photos from the Sotos Conference and now I need a drink because all the 'what ifs' just passed in front of my face in a slide show.
I wish, and had also hoped for you, that the worst was behind. I hope in a large sense that it is, but these 'setbacks' (why don't they call them 'unexpected crushing blows' since that is what they are?) can really knock you down.
and then life goes on.....

wishing you many more days filled with hope.

Lisa b said...

holy crap there goes Norman stealing my words again...

Chaotic Joy said...

I think the way you handled it was very healthy. You took a very entitled day to be sad and discouraged and hang out with melon collie and then got on with life. You're an inspiration really.

Love you friend.

Kristin said...

I'm so sorry you're in a funk. :(

You've still got such a way with words. And Melon is a good friend of mine too. He must've come straight here after leaving your house when you went to class.

Tierd said...

I am so sorry about the hearing test and all the emotion it brought out. You are such a talented writer. Are you sure you want to go into the medical field? :)

I wish you hope and peace!

Reesie said...

Boy that Mellon Collie sure gets around. Witch. Glad Logic stopped by.

~aj~ said...

I hate knowing that you had a bad day. I think it's good to sometimes have the kind of day to let it all out, but I know it sucks in the meantime.

I hope you are feeling a bit more refreshed and hopeful today.

Hugs to you, dear friend.

jen said...

oh honey. you are human. we all wallow some days, and given what you are going through, it's deserved.

Katie said...

You know, some friends are just b*tchy like that ;)

but I do like tiny violins.

thinking of you and holding close at heart Kaytar's newest development. *hugs* big ones.

Hetha said...

I think you and I are so similar, not only in that our children are dealing with many of the same issues, but it sounds like we are both fairly rooted in logic and don't spend much time really letting the depressing stuff sink in. I had the same type of day yesterday and even said to my mom "I can't remember the last time I cried about any of this".

I know an amazing online group if you want to get in on it for support on the hearing loss. I'm talking the smartest and most supportive ladies I've ever seen in any online gathering. Let me know.

Chickenbells said...

Having friends like Melon Collie just means you're human...I'm due for a bit of a cry fest and dance soon myself...I think I shall serve festive cupcakes.

Jenny, the Bloggess said...

You need a break, chica.

Drinks? Playdate? All of the above?

Janet said...

The volume of stuff you deal with, the unknowns, the wisdom and strength you show: if anyone has the right to entertain melancholy for a day, it's you. Me? I was just being a baby. You? You are amazing.

Amy Y said...

I think there's not much better than a good cry once in awhile. You have a lot on your shoulders, Mama, you're allowed to cry about it once in awhile (or every day if you want to!). Hang in there... sending happy vibes your way and hoping things get better soon.

crazymumma said...

Maybe darling. feeling all sad and indulging in it is a good thing? cause you know, you are a pretty fucking strong lady you know? But the steam needs to escape sometimes....

Kate said...

only tiny violins? I think you deserve to sit back and cry it out now and then. Because you. are. impressive. And because you are also human. And, because at the end of the day, you remember you aren't the dissected cat, and that has to count for something. Plus, though I have not said it before, you kick some great converse.

Anonymous said...

Wow. You are so strong. I really don't think I could handle all of this you have been given on your plate with such grace. Allow yourself this pitty party. Invite everyone you know. Then get back up, shake the dust off and move forward. Kaytar is an AMAZING child. She blows me away daily. May only happy days follow. Much love to you & your family. Love, Cori

natalie said...

Amen, friend. Amen. Had a moment like that myself this week. I didn't think to invite Melon Collie, but I'm putting him on speed dial for next month, as my pity parties seem to be hormonal in nature.

I'm so sorry about Kay-Tar's loss. Glad they will redo the test in a few weeks to insure accuracy. What does that mean, actually? 30-40 decibels? Is that huge? I probably should google it myself.

Tammi Kay said...

Okay, how is this for pathetic...
I was reading the third paragraph before I realized that Melon Collie was NOT a fellow blogger with a funny screen name!

(((Hugs for you.))) It's hard when our little ones have booboos we can't fix. Prayers for peace as you assimilate this new information.

PJ said...

Everyone is entitled to a pity party, including the worlds tiniest violins, once in a while. Sometimes tears release the tension and you really do feel all better!!! Hope you're happy again. And i LOVE the BLUE picture!!!

carrie said...

That darn Melon Collie needs to find someone else to bug and leave Kyla alone!

((((hugs))))

nomotherearth said...

Your post title illustrates how incredibly well you're handling all this. Kaytar is sure lucky to have someone as capable as you in her corner.

(Btw, I've always wanted a pet Collie dog and I was going to call him...Melon)

InTheFastLane said...

sometimes it is ok to let your emotions have a little time to play. Sometimes that is just what you need to keep moving forward.

Dr. Cason said...

Sometimes it's best to go ahead and rock out to that little violin. It all gets better. Sooner or later.

Ben and Bennie said...

While Melon Collie is a bitch it's still a good thing to cry every now and then. With an exceptional child the unknowns always outnumber the knowns. The title of the song by The Band says it all, my friend: "The Weight."

Always put the load right on the rest of us.

womaninawindow said...

You are so strong, even with your tiny violin. It simply blows my mind. You're my hero but I sure hope you don't have to test your cape out any time soon.

Magpie said...

Next time I feel sorry for myself, I'm going after the feral three-legged one-eyed neighborhood cat.

Sorry about the bad stuff, and if anyone deserves a wallow once in a while, it's you.

NotSoSage said...

I'm so sorry that Melon Collie keeps calling, but can I tell you how hard I laughed at the dissecting-the-cat train of thought? I recalled many a very indecent conversation over a dissection speciment when you wrote that.

stinky-horowitz said...

Oh man, that is EXACTLY how I felt when I dissected the cat! I was living with a recently diagnosed bipolar fellow who hadn't gotten the right medication yet. He and his psychiatrist had managed to achieve "calmly homicidal", so I'd go from carefully delivered death threats at home to dissecting the cat, thinking "well, at least *I'm* not dead yet." I agree, it was weirdly comforting.