Friday, January 25, 2008

Midnight ramblings

She longs to speak, but cannot bring herself to do so.

The silent minutes and hours and days roll by and she remains quiet because there is only one thing she can think of, speak of...this secret...but she will not give life or breath to it, not here, not when she is exposed and bare.

She tucks herself into bed at night, wishing sleep would come and she writes imaginary words on her ceiling and eyelids when it doesn't find her. She plucks words from the trees of her mind, turning them over in her hands, testing their weight, holding them close or discarding them, thinking of how sweet it would be to speak them aloud. The energy of it all buzzes inside of her and she rolls over, trying to quiet it and soothe it away. But sleep still dances around her like a hummingbird never quite still enough to land. The clock blinks and the tree boughs grow heavier and heavier with words ripe for harvesting.

She tries to appease herself by speaking of it in vagaries and shadows, never really saying what longs to be said, never succumbing to the birth pangs of the truth coursing through her, but instead she says something that amounts to nothing, hoping that this small offering is enough to make it through the night.


(Caveat: only words, dears, only words. nothing but textual decompression. and wine, maybe some of that, too.)

16 comments:

flutter said...

Oh baby girl.

nomotherearth said...

Lovely words, those, albeit melancholy.

slouching mom said...

here, listening, worrying.

InTheFastLane said...

Sometimes it is all we can do.

Becca said...

Hugs.

painted maypole said...

beautifully written, whatever the meaning behind the words is

dawn224 said...

you totally deserve wine :)

Katie said...

just a phone call away friend...

Mimi said...

ah, kyla ... insomnia and worry are a powerful duo. i wish you rest ...

Julie Pippert said...

(hug)

I have my ideas about this. Have you said it out loud to yourself?

Kristin said...

Thinking of you. Worrying about you.

Hugs, Kyla.

Aliki2006 said...

Hugs to you--I hope the words helped release a little of what you're feeling inside.

jen said...

oh, babe. you can always, always come over my way and talk if you ever felt the urge.

PJ said...

Powerful words, Kyla! You really have the soul of a poet. I'm so sorry you're feeling melancholy, but thank you for writing about it. I've been in a blue funk all week, avoiding mentioning it. Your words spoke to me.

Thank you. Hope you're feeling much better soon.

crazymumma said...

some dark poetry.

beautiful.

Mad Hatter said...

You know, I often think about the woman Kyla--the one who is at risk of getting lost in all the things that Kyla must do for those that need her. I know she needs to be the caregiver and I know the love she brings to her family. But that doesn't mean I don't think about that woman who not so long ago was a girl herself.